Depression Without Emotion
emotional pain, that is. recently i got an e-mail from a friend saying how sorry she is that i’m depressed and unhappy. “depressed and unhappy” has been on my mind ever since. many people seem to think that if you’re in a depressive episode, you’re also suffering from terrible, emotional pain. while for some that may be true–and it certainly has been for me in the past–i’m not unhappy.
my particular depression is emotional in that i’m bored easily because most things that i like don’t interest me or don’t hold my interest for very long. however, i don’t feel hopeless; i don’t feel worthless; and i’m not suicidal. i don’t have a hard time getting out of bed because i don’t see any reason why i should. i have reasons, believe me. like, if i don’t get up at some point and feed the cats their breakfast, Hopper will leave me a nice pile of shit somewhere.
i’m not going through any emotional upheaval other than anxiety and feeling overwhelmed, which are things people who aren’t going through a depression also feel. you know, stress. in the past 12 years, i’ve learned to tell the difference between “feeling sad” and “being depressed.” when i’m sad, there are specific reasons why. when i’m depressed, most of the time it’s for no reason at all, though it’s sometimes because of my anxiety.
so yeah, i’m depressed. i’m angry about it. annoyed, certainly. sometimes i even find humor–dark as it is–in the fact that i have trouble doing simple things like getting in the shower, because it just seems so ridiculous. however, i’m definitely not unhappy. i have a husband who loves me, 4 wonderful cats, an excellent support system, and i have everything i want within reason. we’re not well off financially, but we’re getting caught up. for the most part, Brian can support the both of us on his salary. yes, a disability check every month would be welcome if i can get around to applying. but my life is good.
maybe this only makes sense to me, i don’t know. but i had to get it out so i can try to process it. frickin’ chemical imbalances.
Bipolar/Anxiety/BPD
I’ve had depression for more than ten years. It comes and goes. What always strikes me most about it is my ability to recognize when I’m depressed but being completely unable to do anything about it. The usual stuff that I like doing doesn’t work. Like you, I don’t feel completely worthless or suicidal. It’s a complicated state of mind that you only understand when you’re in it. Hope you feel better soon.
March 23, 2006 4:26 pm
I know how you feel. Mine was more about being blah and losing interest in just about everything. Thankfully, the medicine I’m taking seems to be straightening me out. For now, anyway.
March 23, 2006 7:03 pm
Yup, it can go both ways.
March 23, 2006 7:51 pm
yes! that’s exactly how i feel! just kind of…blah.
March 23, 2006 9:07 pm
Totally. Sometimes I get hopeless but for me it’s starts out with boredom and progresses. Is everyone who gets depressed like me? Like you get bored easily? I get bored so damn easily and it beginning to sound like I’m not alone in this. So interesting!
March 24, 2006 1:40 pm
Deb_LA, omg–i get so bored. it’s all i can do to try and blog every day and visit everyone else. i love blogging, but lately i’ve just felt like, meh. routine is good, though, so i’m hanging on to what i can.
March 24, 2006 3:42 pm
I can understand…for the most part I’m bored with my life a lot and don’t want to socialize.
March 24, 2006 6:13 pm
Zombie mode is much unappreciated. A friend of mine thought she only got manic because she never turned suicidal or unhappy. She just entered these episodes where…she…just…zoned…out
Since I started working on cognitive therapy, I have more of this style of depression. Not nearly as unpleasant as the Ninth Circle of Hell frozen-right-up-next-to-Satan-himself moods, but completely unproductive.
I ride ‘em out.
March 24, 2006 8:32 pm
Heh. You and I just talked about this the other day. It’s great that you have figured out your illness. I tend to ignore it and hope it will go away. I’m still waiting.
March 25, 2006 6:05 pm
A lot of times I cannot tell the difference between being unhappy and being depressed. I think that the unhappiness I feel is BECAUSE I’m depressed. Depression sucks.
March 27, 2006 6:12 am
Robin, yep. i don’t like to socialize, either, even on the Web.
Joel, riding it out is all we can do, true. or maybe i need a med change.
KG, it goes away. eventually, but sometimes it needs a little medicinal nudge.
Irene, you’re right–depression can cause unhappiness, as well. i’m not sure the unhappiness is about life in general so much as it is about the state your body/mind is in. just a thought.
March 27, 2006 12:17 pm
Anyhow, yeah. I could see what you mean after reading about how you have a good life, but your anxieties get the best of you. Thank goodness for Starbucks though, right?
March 27, 2006 10:25 pm