over the past several days, i?ve learned that it?s possible to have anxiety about your own mood disorders. in my case it’s bipolar and anxiety.
i?ve had real trouble fighting whatever mood state keeps me from getting in the shower every day. i?ve only missed showering for a couple of days at the most, which for me, when i?m in these states of mind, is really good. it isn?t that i don?t want to get out of bed, it?s knowing that i have to get in the shower that keeps me under the covers.
the only times i?ve gone out is if i?m with Brian. i haven?t even left the apartment to go to Starbucks! the funny thing is, i?m not remotely interested in having a latt?. i haven?t been for a few weeks now, actually.
my appetite has been horrible–nothing sounds good. even when my tummy is rumbling, it?s all i can do to get up from the couch or my desk to nuke some soup and drink it down. i?ve had to force myself to eat, and sometimes i lose that battle. now i?m armed with a few Soups at Hand, some yogurt, and pudding. it?s easier to shove food in my mouth that i don?t have to chew. besides, not eating makes you more depressed.
i haven?t been Neopetsing as much, and as many of you know, i haven?t been by to visit your blogs or answer your e-mails. i?ve managed to get involved with more projects than i can handle, so i?ve been avoiding the computer.
the good news is that i?ve been talking to my therapist over the phone. we?re trying to decide when i can make an appointment because when i?m about to leave the apartment by myself, i start having anxiety attacks and obviously have to cancel (like on this occasion). then i start to think that my therapist or pdoc is going to hate me for having to cancel so much.
part of my anxiety is whether or not i should blog about these symptoms of depression and anxiety. i?ve posted about these situations before, but this time around i feel embarassed. what?s been going through my head is stuff like:
- people are going to think i’m a huge scumbag for not showering;
- they’re going to think i’m a baby for not being able to go out by myself or get something to eat;
- they’ll think i’m just a big loser.
i know this isn?t reality; the reality of the situation for anyone who suffers from depression and/or anxiety, or for anyone who?s at least familiar with these mood disorders, is that the person isn?t a scumbag, a baby, or a loser; that person needs help. and i?m getting that help, i assure you.
another part of my anxiety is that i still haven?t been able to finish reading this fucking book! i don?t know what it is i?m so afraid of–that i?ll actually be able to overcome my anxiety? that the anxiety has become so familiar that i?m afraid to let it go? what???
the good news is that i?m having the second round of sleep studies done this weekend–Friday night and all day Saturday. hopefully we?ll get some answers, because if taking care of my sleeping issues will put the depression into remission, then half my anxiety problems will go away. i hope so, anyway. anxiety is a symptom of depression, after all.
Depression and Anxiety is very scary stuff. I’m actually lucky, I haven’t suffered for years. When I was a young teen I was on meds, in and out of the hospital etc…definitely no fun. Somehow I’ve been able to survive without meds for quite a few years, but the anxiety never really leaves. I still get hit full force in the face with it sometimes and It really wrecks me. So no, I know I don’t think you’re a scumbag or a loser, not at all! Hope things pick up for you soon
Oh lord I know how you feel. I think people are going to think bad things about me too. The longest I’ve been without a shower when I am really depressed is almost 3 days. I am sure there are PLENTY of other people who have too.
I’ve been called a baby and immature many times and it hurts my feelings. My own family has called me that. If you think about it though, I am not immature, just when it comes to being bipolar I am a little different than other people.
I feel like a loser every day because I never finished school and I don’t have a job. If you read my last post you will see how mean people can be. A professional had the nerve to say I am on welfare and I AM 100% POSITIVE THEY DID IT TO HURT ME OR PISS ME OFF.
> i?ve learned that it?s possible to have anxiety about your own mood disorders
Oh, this is so true! Yes! Not only have I seen it in myself, but I have seen it in my bipolar friends. Curbing anxiety is an important element in our recovery program. If we let it go, the shakes alone will push us into an episode.
Klonepin and Xanax: two of our necessary friends. Take cautiously.
I have anxiety issues too.
I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. I just found out recently that ADD may be behind it all for me. I empathize a lot with what you are going through and thank you for sharing.
Oh my God, no, you are not a scumbag/loser/baby. You know everyone who reads this blog loves you, myself included! Anyone who reads your posts can see what a smart, bright, funny, kindhearted, strong woman you are. You just happen to be battling a debilitating illness.
Oh Barb, I am so sorry that you are going through SUCH a rough time. You are right though, I don’t think any of us judge you. The reality is, we all have our problems and believe you me, if it’s not depression and anxiety, it’s something else! Don’t be afraid to post your symptoms. It helps me to hear others have the same symptoms as I do! I can’t leave the house either when I am depressed!
i can’t tell you all how good it is to know that i’m not the only one out there who goes through this, and i guess that’s also why i blog about it–to let others know they aren’t alone. you all are really the best, and i have to go now because i’m going to cry–a happy cry.
Barb, the truth is, is that you don’t have to share this information on the internet if you don’t want to. If you do, then do so. Either way, it’s YOUR choice. You are under no obligation to write on the internet at all. You are in control of what you write and what you think online. There are no repercusions for sharing your thoughts on your current situation. I can guarantee, that if someone says something nasty online about you, I’ll be reading, and will make sure that I will give that person a piece of my mind.
It must be something in the air because I have been feeling the same way! My computer did crash but it only took me a day to get it back up. I have been sleeping all days and staying up watching TV until sunrise. I am barely eating! I am surviving off chocolate milk and V8. I have been in the dumps about the ex boyfriend that I haven’t seen since last November. Boo-hoo-ing about him and the possibility I might end up being a BiPo old maid. I feel so ashamed because I should be in a wonderful mood since my SSDI was approved and the lump payment of $18K went in the bank Thursday. My big shopping spree was from Albertsons.com so I didn’t have to go out to the store. I am glad I read your post because it makes me feel better, its nice to know I am not alone. Hope you are feeling like yourself soon!