i’ve been reading a bit about sleep apnea, and it could very well explain my depressive symptoms that have been unresponsive to medication for so long: the lack of energy, sleeping more than i need to, anxiety, and the depression itself. these are all symptoms of sleep apnea. if, in fact, my depression-like symptoms are caused by sleep apnea, then i’m on way more medication than i need to be.
it would explain why my current dose of Wellbutrin (300mg) plus the Ritalin (10mg) is making me so incredibly agitated. last time i saw the pdoc, he recommended that we stick to the current dosages to see if i just need to adjust to them. well, i’m not. i got my next appointment moved up to next Monday.
i don’t feel like myself. i’m high-strung, restless, irritable, easily bored. i have a hard time concentrating, reading nonfiction books. novels are fine because i’m completely sucked into the characters’ worlds–they’re the only things in which i can immerse myself.
i’m having a difficult time finishing tasks. i just get so bored that i stop–or don’t bother starting at all. when i’m restless, i can’t think of anything to do, and whatever anyone suggests just sounds boring or uninteresting, or i just can’t make a decision. it’s become more than anhedonia. it’s like i have a second skin, a peel-off facial mask over my entire body that i have to fight through to do anything. it’s so irritating and uncomfortable, and worse–i can’t peel it off!
yesterday, i told Brian that what i’m feeling is enough to make someone want to kill themselves. i’m not suicidal, but even if i were, i wouldn’t even be able to plan how i’d do it because i can’t make decisions! gah!
all i can do is ride it out ’til Monday.