PDA stands for public display of affection. PDAA is short for public display of an anxiety attack. as far as i know, this has only happened to me once, maybe 10 years ago. yesterday was the second time.
i made myself go to my ENT appointment, the one i’ve mentioned several times this month and have been putting off. actually, i’ve been blowing it off for six months, maybe more. i know i said recently that if i can name my fear, it’s a lot easier to get over it. here’s my fear about the ENT: i was afraid that once they took a look at my CT scans (that i had done back in, um, July), they would tell me that once again, i would need sinus surgery.
here’s a tip, kids: don’t do coke! i’ve had 3 or 4 sinus surgeries–i can’t even remember how many. i’m lucky that i still have a nose, unlike the Pooh Bear character Vincent D’Onofrio played in The Salton Sea:
me, Jan. 06 (the quality sucks, i know)
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Pooh Bear |
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there’s no way i’m going through another sinus surgery. i don’t care if i have constant sniffles and painful sinus headaches; i like my nose. more importantly, i don’t want a prosthetic nose like Pooh Bear’s. of course i’d never know what the ENT has in store for me until i actually went to the appointment.
normally, my anxiety level is high, and lately it’s been even higher. the thought of facing the ENT made it worse. i so didn’t want go, but i also wanted to get it over with.
i made it to my appointment in time. when i mentioned that i didn’t know if they had my correct insurance information, the receptionist said i may have to fill out paperwork because they couldn’t find my chart. couldn’t find my chart–what the fuck? besides, i didn’t want to fill out paperwork. i just wanted to sit in the waiting room and stare at the fish tank.
instead, the hot flashes started. i couldn’t keep my hands still, so i clawed at the knees of my corduroys. i fought off the hyperventilating, but the tears came. i tried to hide them. the waiting area wasn’t packed, but there were people sitting across from me, and i was sure they were staring. then the nausea kicked in. i realized i wouldn’t be able to drive myself home. i called Brian and asked him to meet me at the doctor’s office, which he did, so he could take me home himself.
there was no mention of sinus surgery. instead, i have to undergo a sleep study to check for sleep apnea. Jesus H. Christ. a sleep study? this is far from over.
although i received many great bids this week, i chose Kentucky Girl, a blog i recently discovered. this, of course, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try again next week! 
the first thing you should know about Kentucky Girl is that she grew up in Kentucky and now lives in California. if you ever want to send her a gift (she celebrated her birthday 3 days ago), you’ll never go wrong with lipstick or lipgloss. for those of you cooks out there, she posts the occasional recipe, most of which are “normal,” but then she posts one for Gritty Kitty Litter Cake. eewwww! i’m sure you can Google an image for this. and get this–she won a vacation to Kauai from a radio station. how lucky can a person be? she just posted pictures from her trip, and the landscape is gorgeous. please give her a warm welcome and click on her thumblink!
although i studied classical piano in high school, my absolute favorite keyboard instrument was the harpsichord, and we were lucky enough to have one at school. the harpsichord is similar to the piano, but smaller in size. its tone isn’t as full or rich; rather, it sounds like guitar strings being plucked because that’s exactly how the instrument operates. the notes don’t resonate like a piano’s; they’re short, as if each tone is interrupted by the harpsichordist taking a breath. as a result, the keys feel different when pressed. unlike piano keys, you can almost feel the harpsichord’s hammers plucking each of its strings. the instrument’s sound, as well as the tactile sensation when playing it, was what attracted me to the harpsichord. for anyone interested, i recommend Scott Ross’s recording of Domenico Scarlatti’s Complete Keyboard Works.
well, someone took it upon himself to build a harpsichord made completely of LEGO bricks. you can even play it, but it doesn’t sound anywhere as beautiful as a real harpsichord. LEGO does have its limits, after all. you can see the LEGO harpsichord here, as well as listen to a short recording of the builder playing it.
thank you very much to April who sent me the link, and who knows how much of a LEGOmaniac i am! but it doesn’t stop there. she also sent a link to a lifesize Han Solo encased in carbonite, also built entirely with LEGOs–about 10,000 of them! check it out here.
Hopper always has her nose in everything. always looking over our shoulders. if she had opposable thumbs, she would do everything herself (except clean the litter box), just to make sure it’s done correctly.
check out the Friday Ark for more pet pics–and send yours in, as well!
KSHIPPYCHIC tagged me with the meme, “Fun with Fours.”
Four Jobs You’ve Had
- ball bearings salesperson
- go-go dancer
- veterinary assistant
- English professor
Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over
- Star Wars: A New Hope
- The Empire Strikes Back
- Return of the Jedi
- The Godfather
Four Places You’ve Lived
- Manila, Philippines
- Houston, TX
- Fort Collins, CO
- Columbus, OH
Four TV Shows You Love to Watch
- invasion
- ER
- CSI (sometimes)
- Boston Legal (though not so much anymore)
Four Favorite Books
- Wide Sargasso Sea
- Crime and Punishment
- The Great Gatsby
- Where the Wild Things Are
Four Places You Have Been on Vacation
- Toronto
- Orlando
- New York
- Las Vegas
Four Websites You Visit Daily
Four Favorite Foods
- tiramisu
- a linguine and mushrooms dish that Brian makes
- Chicago pizza (in Chicago–imitations will not do)
- diet Coke
Four Places You’d Rather Be Right Now
- in bed
- the sofa
- the futon
- Las Vegas
Four Bloggers You’re Tagging
is “tdoc” the new, acceptable shortened form for therapist, even though the therapist isn’t necessarily a PhD? anyway, i made myself go to my therapist appointment yesterday even though i really, really didn’t feel like going. it wasn’t like earlier in the week with the ENT, where i’ve been deliberately avoiding them; rather, i just didn’t feel like going anywhere.
but since our meeting a couple of weeks ago where she urged me to do the things on my list no matter what my mood state, i have been trying to do just that–function within the framework of my current mood states. that’s how she described it, i think.
her advice to me was to pick one thing and stick with that, whether it’s the gym, martial arts, or what. as it is, i’m once again struggling to get into the shower every day, but i’ve been doing it. it’s just starting to get hard again. i need to concentrate on being able to do everything on my list (shower, feed the cats, etc.) every day no matter what my mood state is.
the pdoc agrees. because i’ve been having trouble eating, he said it’s better to eat five small meals a day instead of three large ones, and to schedule the times during which i should eat–integrate it with the rest of my dailies. “dailies,” by the way, is a term used in Neopets that refers to various tasks to complete on the site once a day, so i’m appropriating it because, well, it’s appropriate. i’m revising my daily list to this:
- feed the cats
- take a shower
- eat
- clean the litterbox/take out the trash
- errand/appointment (therapist, pdoc, whatever) if in the a.m.
- eat
- check e-mail/read blogs
- eat
- errand/appointment if in the p.m.
- eat
- pick up Brian from work
my therapist said it doesn’t have to be exact to the minute or hour, but i guess the eating times should be. i’ve been reluctant to leave the house again lately, so i figure that i should have one errand to do a day, on the days when i don’t have an appointment, just so i get out of the house. it could be picking up a prescription, or going to the store or something like that.
today i saw the pdoc and he attributes the agitation to the Wellbutrin. he said the Zelnorm will be ok with the other stuff. he doesn’t want to increase my Ritalin because that will make me really agitated, and he wants to take me off of it soon. for the next two weeks, however, i’m going to continue with my current course of meds to see if the agitation wears off–just like Dr. Fae suggested here!
Janet Webb
You are anorexic - you believe 74 is the perfect weight. Claymore takes away your clothes when you don’t eat, but it doesn’t bother you. You just sing Negro spirituals to Whoopi Goldberg to pass the time instead.
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whatever. i am so not aneroxic. though i’ve read the book Girl, Interrupted
, i haven’t seen the movie because i absolutely cannot stand Winona Ryder. this was on Marie’s blog.
by ELIZABETH GEORGE
i just finished this, which is the first of The Inspector Lynley Mysteries. both Brian and i have been sucked into this series from watching the BBC Mystery marathon on one of the public channels over the holiday weekends.
now my sister is sucked in, too, because she gave the first 2 books to Brian for Christmas, and also bought this title for herself.the only other mystery series i?ve read, and still sometimes read, is the Cat Who mysteries by Lillian Jackson Braun. they?ve changed over time, and are now so incredibly predictable, but when a new one comes out in paperback, i read it anyway.
fortunately, A Great Deliverance isn?t at all predictable. i hope the rest of the series continues in that way.
Avoidance
i rescheduled my ENT appointment. they called me earlier yesterday morning to tell me the doctor was running late in surgery. based on past experience (i’ve been seeing this doctor for 14 years), if that happens, i could be sitting in the waiting room for up to two hours, and for another half hour in the exam room. no thanks.
my appointment was at 4:00p.m., and around 2:30, i was falling asleep. i think i dozed off. i knew i was too sleepy to drive, so that was another reason for rescheduling. at least i called them myself instead of asking Brian to do it for me. why do i ask Brian to do it for me? because, irrational as it is, i’m afraid that the people at the doctor’s office will be mad at me. now that i’ve named the fear, it’s easier to overcome it.
part of me, however, wonders how much of that is an excuse. the other ENT doctor was there, after all, and it was actually with him that i had the appointment. before i told them that, they said that he would be seeing ENT #1’s patients. i interpreted that as ENT #2 being double booked, and would still result in me sitting there all evening.
Agitation
for the past several days i have been extremely agitated. uncomfortable in my skin. restless and bored. i had this reaction a couple of weeks ago right after the pdoc doubled my dose of Wellbutrin. it went away a day or so later.
when i last saw the pdoc, i asked him to prescribe Zelnorm for my bloaty belly. he said he couldn’t, that i would have to ask my regular doctor, who did write me a script.
i read the “read me” thing that comes with prescriptions and it said that Zelnorm is a selective serotonin re-uptake agonist (i think–can’t find the info sheet). i thought that it might do something weird to my other medications–after all, Cymbalta is a selective serotonin and norepinephrine re-uptake inhibitor. what’s the difference between an SSR agonist and an SSR inhibitor?
my thought was, who cares? the regular doc said that Zelnorm works wonders for people with my problem. besides, he knows what meds i’m on. also, Walgreens usually tells you, if you take something new, whether or not it will affect your other meds. this was the Walgreens we always go to, so they know what i’m on.
but now i’m wondering if it’s the cause of my recent agitation. i don’t want to say anything to my pdoc because i don’t want to stop taking it. i’m still waiting for the wonders to take place. i want them to take place!
i’ll end up telling him about it when i see him tomorrow. maybe he can adjust the other stuff, instead. besides, the extra Wellbutrin was supposed to give me more energy/help me stay awake, and it did at first, but it’s wearing off. this, of course, could have something to do with my sinuses and not getting enough oxygen, which, had i kept my appointment yesterday, i would know about today. what an annoying circle.
Appetite
i can’t remember when this started, maybe even before my last pdoc appointment, but i have had no appetite whatsoever. none. zero. zilch. yes, at times, i feel hungry and my stomach rumbles, but nothing sounds good. at all.
on the one hand, not eating contributes to depression. on the other hand, not eating will help me lose weight without having to go to the dreaded ?ber yuppie health club.
i know that’s unhealthy, but i have to force myself to eat, and it isn’t easy because there’s nothing that i want to eat. if i wait long enough, the hunger pangs go away. well, the past couple of days at least, i’ve been forcing myself to eat apples.
gah!
i’ve always had a hard time seeing the big picture with regard to my bipolarness. more specifically, my depression. for the most part, i’ve learned to curb my impulses, like the big ones: i’m feeling depressed, so i’ll go shopping. and the little ones, like not purchasing impulse buy things at the Walgreens or Target check-out that you don’t really need (pens that light up, mini-Sharpies, etc.).
the one that i still struggle with is not to take on more than i can handle. part of the problem is that i don’t always know how much i can handle, though most of the time it turns out that i can’t take on as much as i think i can.
here’s an example: after my first visit to the ?ber yuppie health club with Brian recently, i called the martial arts school as soon as we were back in the car to tell them that i wanted to take classes again. they said i could come back on Tuesday and just fill out the contract on Friday. that was last week. on December 31, 2005, i wrote:
not only that, every time i?m in [my yoga] class, it makes me itch to go back to training in martial arts, which i still want to do, just not at this time. [emphasis added]
i felt so uncomfortable the day i went to the health club with Brian, that i longed for a comfortable environment, which i think is the reason i made that phone call. although i did go back to class last Tuesday, and it felt great, i didn’t go on Thursday. sure, i said i was in that writing “zone,” but now i wonder how much of that was an excuse. i had planned to go on Sunday but overslept.
i didn’t go to class today, and i’ve been beating myself up about it all morning: i’m a loser, i’m a failure, etc., etc. i also know exactly what my therapist would say: that i shouldn’t be hard on myself because it’s been barely a month since i’ve had any energy whatsoever, and a month since the pdoc was considering (and has since dismissed) the possibility of treating me with ECT.
the big picture. i’m not seeing it. obviously, i’ve heard this from my therapist before, but it just doesn’t sink in. in my head, i know what she means, but i can’t feel it in my heart. i feel like i should be doing more, more, more, when what i should really be concentrating on is the daily routine i set up for myself (see here). she said that no matter what my mood state, i have to do the things on those list, and for the most part, i’ve been successful.
i push myself too hard. i always have, and when i fall flat on my face, i think that i’ve failed, which is utterly ridiculous. i just wish that i could see the folly of it all, of everything i did/tried to do last week.
