one other symptom of sleep apnea is loud snoring. because Brian was with me at the ENT’s office, he confirmed to the doctor that i do, in fact, snore. our conversation on the way home went something like this:

Me: So, I snore?

Brian: (hesitates) Sometimes.

Me: Loud?

Brian: Not usually.

Me: What do you mean, “not usually”?

Brian: (shrugs) Not usually.

Me: Do I saw logs?

Brian: Not really.

Me: So, sometimes.

Brian: Well…yeah.

Me: Enough to make you leave the room?

Brian: Um, once or twice.

Me: Is that why you sleep in the living room after the alarm goes off?

Brian: No! I really am trying to wake up, then. I only moved to the couch a couple times.

Me: So how loud is it? Can you hear it from the living room?

Brian: A little.

Me: (gasps) As loud as my dad?!

Brian: (hurriedly) No, not as loud as your dad.

Me: Well, OK, as long as it isn’t as loud as my dad.

my dad’s snoring isn’t as loud as one of my uncle’s, who you can hear downstairs even if he’s sleeping upstairs, but it’s still pretty loud. because of job schedules, my dad usually went to bed before my mom so it didn’t bother her. or maybe she just sleeps very soundly. this isn’t, by the way, the reason they’re now divorced. or who knows? maybe it’s part of it.

snoring can present a huge problem in marriages, and i don’t want it to be a problem in mine. some couples actually sleep in separate rooms (see this article). i don’t want to do that!

i’ve been reading a bit about sleep apnea, and it could very well explain my depressive symptoms that have been unresponsive to medication for so long: the lack of energy, sleeping more than i need to, anxiety, and the depression itself. these are all symptoms of sleep apnea. if, in fact, my depression-like symptoms are caused by sleep apnea, then i’m on way more medication than i need to be.

it would explain why my current dose of Wellbutrin (300mg) plus the Ritalin (10mg) is making me so incredibly agitated. last time i saw the pdoc, he recommended that we stick to the current dosages to see if i just need to adjust to them. well, i’m not. i got my next appointment moved up to next Monday.

i don’t feel like myself. i’m high-strung, restless, irritable, easily bored. i have a hard time concentrating, reading nonfiction books. novels are fine because i’m completely sucked into the characters’ worlds–they’re the only things in which i can immerse myself.

i’m having a difficult time finishing tasks. i just get so bored that i stop–or don’t bother starting at all. when i’m restless, i can’t think of anything to do, and whatever anyone suggests just sounds boring or uninteresting, or i just can’t make a decision. it’s become more than anhedonia. it’s like i have a second skin, a peel-off facial mask over my entire body that i have to fight through to do anything. it’s so irritating and uncomfortable, and worse–i can’t peel it off!

yesterday, i told Brian that what i’m feeling is enough to make someone want to kill themselves. i’m not suicidal, but even if i were, i wouldn’t even be able to plan how i’d do it because i can’t make decisions! gah!

all i can do is ride it out ’til Monday.

i got tagged twice for the same meme! bwahahaha–that means i only have to do it once! hmm…but does it mean i have to tag 16 people? nah…

target partner: male

8 qualities of my perfect partner (not necessarily in order)

1. honest
2. intelligent
3. responsible
4. emotionally available
5. funny
6. patient
7. loves animals
8. remembers to put the toilet seat down

i’m tagging: Margaret, Ratty, April, Cheryl, Beau, Maddie, Mamazilla, and Dariana. in Beau’s and Maddie’s cases, however, they should describe qualities of the perfect owner.

when i sat at my desk this morning, i found that Hopper shit on it. it couldn’t have been because breakfast was late. i woke up earlier than usual, which meant they were fed earlier than usual. one of the boys must have been picking on her.

i grounded her from lounging on the desktop all morning like she likes to do after breakfast. as if that’ll do any good. crazy cats.