Forest for the Trees
i’ve always had a hard time seeing the big picture with regard to my bipolarness. more specifically, my depression. for the most part, i’ve learned to curb my impulses, like the big ones: i’m feeling depressed, so i’ll go shopping. and the little ones, like not purchasing impulse buy things at the Walgreens or Target check-out that you don’t really need (pens that light up, mini-Sharpies, etc.).
the one that i still struggle with is not to take on more than i can handle. part of the problem is that i don’t always know how much i can handle, though most of the time it turns out that i can’t take on as much as i think i can.
here’s an example: after my first visit to the ?ber yuppie health club with Brian recently, i called the martial arts school as soon as we were back in the car to tell them that i wanted to take classes again. they said i could come back on Tuesday and just fill out the contract on Friday. that was last week. on December 31, 2005, i wrote:
not only that, every time i?m in [my yoga] class, it makes me itch to go back to training in martial arts, which i still want to do, just not at this time. [emphasis added]
i felt so uncomfortable the day i went to the health club with Brian, that i longed for a comfortable environment, which i think is the reason i made that phone call. although i did go back to class last Tuesday, and it felt great, i didn’t go on Thursday. sure, i said i was in that writing “zone,” but now i wonder how much of that was an excuse. i had planned to go on Sunday but overslept.
i didn’t go to class today, and i’ve been beating myself up about it all morning: i’m a loser, i’m a failure, etc., etc. i also know exactly what my therapist would say: that i shouldn’t be hard on myself because it’s been barely a month since i’ve had any energy whatsoever, and a month since the pdoc was considering (and has since dismissed) the possibility of treating me with ECT.
the big picture. i’m not seeing it. obviously, i’ve heard this from my therapist before, but it just doesn’t sink in. in my head, i know what she means, but i can’t feel it in my heart. i feel like i should be doing more, more, more, when what i should really be concentrating on is the daily routine i set up for myself (see here). she said that no matter what my mood state, i have to do the things on those list, and for the most part, i’ve been successful.
i push myself too hard. i always have, and when i fall flat on my face, i think that i’ve failed, which is utterly ridiculous. i just wish that i could see the folly of it all, of everything i did/tried to do last week.
Bipolar/Anxiety/BPD
There’s an interesting thought — counting the number of bipolars in the vicinity by observing how many junk items Walmart or Target sells.
Or better still, just wait by the display.
January 17, 2006 4:04 pm
I do the same. What I do is when I am feeling “normal” for once, I think I will stay that way and start taking on all this stuff. Once my depression comes back I start failing at everything.
Actually I haven’t done that in a while because I haven’t felt “normal” in a while. That is what I used to do though.
January 17, 2006 4:33 pm
Do you feel like you *want* to do all these things or that you feel like you “should” do all these things?
January 17, 2006 9:14 pm
Take it a day at a time. Don’t jump in all at once. I’ve been there too many times.
January 17, 2006 10:48 pm
You are way too hard on yourself.
January 17, 2006 11:37 pm
Hey, if I am depressed I have to keep myself from buying the stupidest things like a years supply of staples or a family of garden gnomes…and then I feel even worse because I am broke and have nothing to show for it. I mean, staples?, I may use 3 staples a month at work!
January 18, 2006 9:42 am
Joel, if i did a study, would they publish it in a DBSA newsletter?
Marie, exactly.
Margaret, thank you for asking. when it comes right down to it, i feel that i “should” be doing these things, and that i want to want to do them. part of me really does want to, but the majority is a “should.” yes.
Jil, garden gnomes??? maybe you can sell the staples on e-bay. maybe some other bipolar will buy them.
January 18, 2006 1:38 pm
Well you are not alone. I am not bipolar to my knowledge and I still have to strain to see the big picture. You’re blog look different everytime I visit woman! I love it!
January 18, 2006 1:46 pm
maggs and MHOH, i don’t know why your comments were held for moderation? anyhow, you’re both right.
Dari, thanks.
January 19, 2006 2:18 am
You made my heart go in my throat. I make myself sick because I get so excited like you do & I have so many great ideas, things I want to accomplish & I don’t end up doing anything. My therapist has been telling me just to walk 5 minutes 1 way & then walk back. Do you think I’ve done it? Nope. well, I did it 1 day.
At least we both consistently blog.
January 19, 2006 4:29 pm
jane, i’m so happy to know that i’m not the only one who does this. i am not a freak! and yep, we both blog consistently, and even though it just seems like eating lunch every day, or what have you, we really ought to pat ourselves on the back.
January 19, 2006 6:44 pm
That is true, you blog consistently, and I think, that most people don’t, which is kind of ironic, no?
January 19, 2006 11:11 pm
i guess, but maybe because they’re able to do more in their lives?
January 20, 2006 5:47 pm