someone left the following comment on my 43 Things under the goal, apply for disability. you can find the the original entry on my 43 Things here, but it was also cross-posted to this blog here. i’ve added both links so anyone who’s interested can read the comments on both sites.
i was so moved by this comment that i wanted to share it with readers here. i haven’t changed or edited the comment, but i omitted the postscript she wrote about who approves the application. if you really need to read it, you can click on the link to the original entry.
strength is compassion for yourself
Bloggochicago,
I?ve read your entries with great interest. You?re a strong woman and you understand yourself and your experiences really well. I can see from your comments that you do know that the disability that is currently a part of your disorder (temporary, only, I imagine, until you get stable again) is not your fault and should not be a source of shame (try to not internalize the Western ideals of work as worth). You are functioning very highly at times and proving that you aren?t weak ? it isn?t a matter of determination to go to a job. Give yourself the same compassion you would give to someone else in your circumstance. You would admire their courage and strength and you would tell them that it is OKAY to need time off, and only you can determine if you need that time off, not your doc or your friends/family or your 43 things mates. It sounds like you know you do, so don?t internalize the stigma. Do it, and feel fine about it.
When you?re feeling like you can work again, you will. If it dogs you down the line, you?ll deal with it, but don?t question that you deserve it. It?s not your fault that you can?t work right now. If you think you could function in a very flexible role somewhere until you?re doing better, that can help keep your self-esteem afloat if you?re inclined to internalize your inability to work as failure.
Good luck.
this was the first time she ever commented on any of my entries, and i think she’s an excellent judge of character. i have internalized the stigma of being on disability and having a mental illness, even though i do as much as i can to help fight that stigma. she has given me a lot to think about, and, well, i’m still thinking.
I am on the same page with SSDI. I think I just hopped my last hurdle in getting approved. I went thru the govt. sponsored doctor’s exam. The doctor said her findings were consistent with the opinions of the ump-teen doctors I have seen since 1992 and she would recommend me for aid. Does that mean I passed or failed? I am not sure if I am happy about it or sad. I do know that nobody can say I am lazy or looking for the easy way out. I’ve had nine (that’s right 9; that is not a typo) jobs since 2001 and I was fired from eight of them . Its not easy to find nine jobs. I just have issues. Lots of them. I think what forces a person to file for SSDI for mental illness is society’s refusal to view mania as an illness. This denial makes our illness worse.
Can’t we just crucify Tom Cruise?
hi, i’m mizeeyore and i just happened upon your blog thru “MrsHellOnHeels”. i think you have a wonderfully written blog, and btw i’m from Chicago too *smile*
those of us who are “high functioning” mentally ill people catch a lot of shit from those negative nay-sayers who would like nothing better than to call us “lazy” and say that we are “trying to get over” on the system. nothing could be further from the truth. when someone i know asks me why i’m on disability and i CHOOSE to divulge the information, then i get, “well, you seem like you’re doing just fine.”
NEWS FLASH: just because i take the time to keep myself groomed, smelling nice and can hold an intelligent conversation DOES NOT mean that i am OK on the INSIDE. my attitude is until these people have spent a day inside a psych ward, cried all the time for no reason, heard voices, hallucinated, or went manic and went on shopping sprees, or drove recklessly, or worse, attempted suicide, they cant say a goddam thing to me about what I FEEL inside!
it’s a damn shame that the media and TV shows always seem to portray mentally ill individuals as either knife-wielding psychopaths, or dirty, disheveled and walking around mumbling to themselves (altho it is sad to say there ARE some folks like that).
IMHO, mental illness does not discriminate as to who it affects. and these ignorant, uninformed, judgemental individuals neet to get some enlightenment and some knowledge about our illnesses, rather than make blanket statements like “you look normal to me.”
i have read on another blog where this idiot talk show guy was talking about “high functioning” mentally ill people, that if they “can walk and talk, then they can do SOMETHING” meaning work or find a job. first of all, NOBODY asked to be in this condition, okay? none of us sat down and plotted out how we can “get over on the system” by collecting a check for Social Security Disability; on the other side of the coin, there ARE trifling people who make it their business to “get over on the system” by committing fraud, and they DO get caught, but then they make it bad for people WHO REALLY NEED IT.
sorry this post is so long, but this is one subject that really gets my goat. i say until these uppity assed muthafuckas have walked in my shoes, there aint shit they can tell me about HOW I FEEL. PERIOD.
bLitch, should you be happy or sad? i know what you mean. if nothing else, i hope you feel relief when the approval comes through. heh–i haven’t even filled anything out yet. i always hated Tom Cruise, and after that Matt Lauer thing, he gave me even more reason!
mizeeyore, i’m so glad you stopped by and now i have a link to your blog.
thank you for expressing yourself–i don’t mind long comments at all. this is a subject that i struggle with all the time. i look ok on the outside. i can even “pass” for normal (whatever that is), but it’s the inside that’s all torn up and that’s what people can’t see. i mean, part of the problem with the stigma is that this disability is invisible.
Just in case you have missed it. http://www.tomcruiseisnuts.com
Here’s another thought for people who think filing for SSDI is the lazy, easy way – Just wait until you have to show the government your personal financial records and every aspect of your medical history since birth. Tell me how easy that is. I keep having nightmares about George Orwell, 1984, and being trapped in an Animal Farm much than the City of Dallas. Then there is the horror of a government worker looking at my “life story” and joking about how bad I screwed up. Once upon a time I was very functional then I couldn’t hold a job longer than six months…
Seriously, it hasn’t been quite as bad as I thought. I have gotten much needed understanding from those who have interviewed me for my claim. Maybe they do have so many who try to abuse the system they can really recognize those who need help. Anyway, I don’t know for sure yet. So I best not count my govt. employees before I get my check!
Get started on the paper work if you are going to do it. Its a lllloooonnnngggg process. I finished the paperwork last July and I am still waiting.
Changes in societal attitudes can occur so slowly, sometimes glacially. I think about how attitudes towards the status and abilities of women have changed so much over the past century. Yet there is still such a long way to go that it’s rather disheartening and I sometimes feel despair (especially when one thinks about attitudes towards women across the globe) that we will ever see *enough* change in my lifetime. But I still have hope. It seems like society’s attitudes towards people with mental illnesses have improved a great deal over the past decade. There are always going to be ignorant, uneducated people who choose never to understand (with any issue!). But society is talking about mental illness more, and I think the Internet has helped tremendously to bring people together for support and to educate others. I agree that the key is to keep discussing and talking about mental illnesses, the way it affects people’s lives, and the ways to cope with/overcome it. And all an individual can do is to live his/her life and stay strong, as much as possible, from day to day.
Wow Barb, that WAS an excellent comment, and for a first time commenter… dang! For all it’s worth, I totally agree with what your reader had to write about you. It is a Western ideal, or rather, a capitalist ideal.
bLitch, wahahaha!!! i’m going to have some fun with that site. God, i fucking HATE Tom Cruise!
Margaret, there’s a great book called Women of the Asylum. it’s a bit dated now (published early ’90s?), but omg–it shows how far we’ve come just in treating mental illness. no, the negative attitudes are still there, but we really have come a long way.
April, i know, right?
Wouldn’t it serve the TomKat just right if Katie flipped out after she has the Spawn? Let them personally deal with a little PPD… BTW, I have nothing against poor Katie. She’s just young and stooopud.
Another good book about mental heath care (also dated) is Listening to Prozac.