i can’t believe i’m still sick. not feeling worse, not feeling better. and now Brian is sick, too. i’m hoping that the cats don’t get sick, either. heh.

had a therapy appointment today. didn’t make it, but i tried. i threw on clothes, even took the trash down on my way out. then i saw how far i had to walk to get to the car and i was like, forget it. it wasn’t that far, really, but i’m just so worn. it’s too bad because it was nice out today. for Chicago, i mean.

we’ll see if we can make it to the pdoc’s tomorrow. if not, Brian suggested we do the ECT ourselves with jumper cables. if only we didn’t have to walk so far to the car. see? there really is something funny about ECT.

my ear is feeling better–thanks, everyone! still have a cough and runny nose, so we aren’t sure if we’ll make it to the in-laws’ for Christmas on Friday because Brian isn’t feeling well, either, but we plan to be there. then Christmas with my mom is on Saturday night. oh, yes–i’m talking to her again. still a bit ambivalent about it, but it’s a relief at the same time. Christmas just isn’t my favorite holiday.

on a brighter note (though unless you play Neopets this won’t mean a damn thing), i finally got the fishing avatar today. last night i got the Black Pteri avatar, which brings my total to 155. VeqRiin lost one battle to him and won the next. i’m thinking of morphing her into a Kacheek, though, because as her hit points increase, her Blue Scorchstone just isn’t going to heal enough points. i already have the Kacheek Life Potion, which heals 33% of her max hp’s if she has 33% or less left, and completely heals her if she has more than 33%. on the other hand, that would mean i’d have to do math. what to do, what to do.

the Ritalin has definitely given me more energy, but right now i’m sick with a cold and ear infection, so i’ve been pretty tired. i’m not sure if it’s actually helped me feel less depressed, though. i’m still not that interested in things that i am normally. my general attitude towards most things seems to be, “yeah, sure, whatever.” even things that i like and continue to do don’t feel fun.

this past week i’ve been fantasizing about what it would be like to have a normal life–if i were to undergo the ECT and it worked and i’m no longer depressed: maybe i could have a baby! maybe i could even go back to teaching in the fall!

at this point, i don’t even know if it’s going to happen, or if i want it to. i keep picturing scenes from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest even though i’ve read up on the procedure and know it’s not at all like that anymore. and part of me still sees something really funny about it.

i just came across a blog written by someone who has bipolar and who has just had ECT done. here‘s the entry.

maybe there’s hope for me, but i’m not going to dwell on it too much ’til Brian and i meet with the pdoc on Thursday.

a few weeks ago TypePad users received an e-mail from one of the higher-ups offering users their choice of a 15-, 30-, or 45-day credit because of “the problems that some of our users experienced last month”. everyone automatically got a 15-day credit if they didn’t choose the other 2 options, and i figured fine, that’s what i’ll go with.

but after the shitty support service i got recently when i tried to get their domain mapping thing to work, i just had it and came over here.

then the other day, some other disaster happens. so today i put in a script to redirect my TypePad blog to this one until i’m done canceling the account. i haven’t received the credit yet, so i don’t know how they’re going to handle it.

if you got here via this URL: http://bloggochicago.blogs.com, please remember to change it to http://bloggochicago.com. thanks!

for the past few weeks i’ve had the strangest dreams, and i don’t know if it’s from the Ritalin, trazodone, or what. they’re usually very vivid and i can remember them for the most part, but they’re hard to describe to other people.

Thursday night i had a dream that conflated CSI and Star Wars. maybe because i always thought George Eads would make a pretty good Carth Onasi. in fact, he was Carth in the dream. but i didn’t even watch CSI that night, nor have i read any Star Wars material in about a week.

last night, i dreamed that i had a horrible ear infection, and somehow i ended up at a vet’s office instead of the ENT’s! what the fuck? there was a 26-year-old cat that didn’t make it through whatever trauma it incurred, and the poor thing looked like one of those victims on ER that die while attempting to be revived, their chests cracked open, blood everywhere. the cat, wrapped in towels, was cradled in the doctor’s arms, and brought to the exam room where the owners were waiting to say good-bye.

thoughts, anyone?

in real life, it turns out i have an ear infection as i suspected. though it isn’t painful, it’s draining and disgusting. i called the ENT, then dialed the emergency number. i don’t know about anyone else, but a leaking ear counts as an emergency to me. when i talked to the doctor, he said he’d call in a prescription for ear drops.

i hate ear drops. when i was 13, i had 3-1/2 sets of tubes in my ears (not all at once), and after the last ones fell out, they left holes in my ear drums. usually, the tissue heals across the hole, but mine healed inward, if you can picture that. so ear drops hurt like you wouldn’t believe.

Brian always jokes that he’ll ask Hopper to help hold me down to put the ears drops in. Hopper has had them in the past, and if you’ve never tried placing ear drops in a cat’s ear, then you haven’t lived dangerously.