Drive Like an Asshole Day

yesterday, it seems, was Drive Like an Asshole Day. i could not believe the asshole drivers i came across as i drove around town running errands. i meant to blog about it yesterday, but i was too worked up (well, other anxiety-provoking things happened, too, like spilling chili on one of my favorite, predominantly white shirts because i had to eat it in a parking lot; a stupid, no-name radio jock disparaging a bipolar singer of a band i don’t even like on the air; and other stuff, blah blah blah). in fact, i was still so preoccupied by yesterday’s events that when i showered this morning i used conditioner on my face instead of exfoliator. heehee.

i was driving south on Clark Street when up ahead i saw 2 cars in reverse, about to parallel park. so i started driving around them, when this truck behind me did the same thing and tried to pass me. Clark is a 2-lane street and although you can pass, there was no need. traffic was light. and what kind of asshole passes a driver who’s passing another car, anyway?

meanwhile, a middle-aged lady with big, brassy hair was jaywalking. i honked at her, hoping she’d finish crossing quickly so i could hurry up and pass the 2 parking cars. instead, she stops in her tracks staring at the asshole driver, her chin grazing the ground. so i honk louder and even though my windows are shut, yell, “move, lady!” like that would help. since she didn’t, i slowed down and took the opportunity to honk some more, looked in Asshole Driver #1′s direction and yelled, “asshole!” believe me, Chicago drivers can read other drivers’ lips because they’re usually yelling “asshole!” or “fucking bitch!”.

Asshole Driver #1 passes me and of all things–he’s driving a frickin’ Brown Elephant truck! i’ll schedule a pick-up all right, pick this up, motherfucker. *gives the finger*

not 5 minutes later, i’m approaching a stoplight and would have been say, the 5th car back. the van in front of me was flashing hazards but wasn’t double parked, so i drive around it. now i’m in the left-turn lane, but since the van was broken down or whatever, i would just get back in front of it. or so i thought. Asshole Driver #2′s vehicle worked just fine.

when the light turned green, i was stuck in the turn lane because Asshole Driver #3 who was immediately behind Asshole Driver #2 kept going. hey, asshole–keeping the tags on your winter hat has been out of style for years. moron. luckily, the driver behind him waved me in. so what did i do, i gave him The Wave back. i mean, that’s what you do when someone lets you ahead of them.

on my way back north, i’m on Broadway just past Diversey. at a stoplight there was a parked Jeep Cherokee with its signal on. the car in front of me wasn’t going to let them in, but i decided to since another driver did something nice for me earlier. besides, they had the signal on. if they didn’t, they could fucking forget about it. the guy finishes merging into traffic.

i’m waiting, waiting. no Wave. what the fuck? i let you in when the car in front of me wasn’t planning to and you don’t give me The Wave? i saw the sticker on their back window. Notre Dame. that said it all. go Bucks!