Sick

saw my therapist today. i told her that i’m sick of being bipolar; that it isn’t fair. i’ve been thinking about this ever since last Thursday, when Brian and i met with the couples counselor for the second time. Brian said that if we didn’t both have mood disorders, we probably wouldn’t even be there. it’s made me start wondering what else would be different about our situation, or at least mine, since he’s functioning at a higher level than i am at the moment–than i have been for the past 2 years. would i have a career? would we have kids? would we not have so much credit card debt from having to pay for meds and other crap in the past?

part of the reason i’ve been procrastinating about applying for disability is because i’m afraid that it will label me, somehow, like it’ll mean that my occupation is: mental patient. or if i get denied, then i’ll feel like i’ve failed even at that–of not being a good enough mental patient.

i realize there’s no use asking what if, what if, what if, but i’m just so tired of having to struggle just to get out of bed every single day. i’m sick of not being able to get caught up paying our credit cards, especially since we haven’t used them in months! if i could work, we wouldn’t even be in this situation.

we can’t take vacations. we couldn’t even have a wedding because when we got married, we did it because my student health insurance was about to expire. so romantic. i mean, we knew we would get married one day, just not when we did. and it was one of the worst days of my life, thanks to my mother, but that’s another story.

ok, now i’m rambling so i’ll shut up.