Instability: Anxiety, Electricity, Etc.

the past few days haven’t been going well at all. i already mentioned my messed up sleep schedule and the electricity problem.

yesterday i was supposed to take Hopper to the vet at 2:30pm. i managed to drag myself out of bed at about 1:45, only to find that someone had scarfed and barfed on the clean sheets we put on the bed the night before, and that the power was out. i had an anxiety attack and didn’t have any access to Ativan, so i called Brian at work and he came home early. it felt like i was going to cough out a lung. i was also worried that the electrician would show up while i was asleep, and that i’d miss him. he didn’t.

Brian rescheduled Hopper’s appointment for Saturday so if i can’t take her, at least he’ll be able to go; otherwise we’ll both go. he also called “ABCD Management” who insisted that our a/c unit is much too large for the electrical wiring to handle. bull fucking shit.

the guy we talked to has only worked there since July, and we’ve had this problem long before he came on board. he said that it was what he was specifically told to tell us. we asked for the owner, and the new guy said that she’s out of town. we asked for the electrician’s number, and he said he didn’t have it. we apologized that he was on the receiving end of our anger, but it was irresponsible on the owner’s part to go out of town (if, in fact, she is) without leaving him the electrician’s number–what if this happened at another building? finally we said that we’d hire our own electrician to look into this and deduct it from the rent.

i cannot take this bullshit. anyone who knows me or who reads this blog on a fairly regular basis knows that i need my environment to be as stable as possible. at this point, the hospital is a safer and more stable environment for me. i mean, i’m not going to hurt myself or OD or anything like that, but the situation here is giving me anxiety attacks, really bad ones.

i’m also having anxiety nightmares again, where i wake up completely drenched in sweat, the sheets are also soaked, but yet i feel very cold. the other night i dreamed that Angelo was shot but that the emergency vet clinic had become a pet supply store and that there no longer was an emergency clinic, at least not close enough to do Angelo any good because his pulse was so weak if it could be felt at all.

my back is still hurting me, and because i’m not sleeping well, i wake up and the rest of my muscles are stiff and sore. i tried to make it to the chiro today, but when i got in the car, i expected the Clash or Nas CD that i’ve been listening to recently to be in there, but apparently Brian took them–and all the rest of the CDs–out of the car to make my life better. he put new CDs in the CD wallet thing, which i forgot to take with me because i only ever listen to 1 or 2 CDs at a time. i know he meant well, but it was the last straw for today.

i just turned around and went home. i’m trying really hard not to fall asleep, but i think i might have dozed off for a bit. i’m also having a very hard time concentrating on anything.