hard to believe, but it’s been nearly a week now that i haven’t had a caffeinated drink. i realize that decaf coffee still has some caffeine in it, but you know what i mean. my anxiety hasn’t decreased yet. in fact, today i had an anxiety attack because there weren’t any decaf diet Cokes in the house.

i wonder how much of the “decaffeinated me” contributed to the depression i felt last week, and that i think i’m still feeling. i managed to go to the coffee shop with Brian late this morning, like we usually do on weekends, so that was good because i haven’t been outside of our apartment since Wednesday.

i don’t have anywhere i need to be tomorrow, i’ll have the car, i can basically go wherever i want, but will i? we’ll see.

for the past couple of days i’ve had a very hard time getting out of bed–not waking up, but getting out of the actual bed and standing on my feet. everything i do, i have to think out first, have a plan. for example, the other day, i was sitting on the couch reading and i had these chores i needed to do and i had to count things out in my mind, like i do in the morning (1. make the bed, etc.): first, i have to go to the bathroom. then, i’ll collect all the trash. after that, i’ll scoop the litter boxes. next, i’ll put on my shoes and take it all to the dumpster. it seemed like it actually took longer for me to come up with that plan than it did to actually execute it.

that’s how everything has been lately, like i’m moving through a fog, or against the wind, so i have to know exactly what i’m going to do next before i get blown off the path. even then, it’s hard to get up and do the first thing. what’s worse is visualizing all of these things that i want to do (like go to my martial arts class–ha!) and then not do them. i’m afraid i’m slipping into the sinkhole of depression again. i suspected it earlier in the week, and now i’m scared that it’s true. i would much rather be manic. i hate being depressed.

can eating be considered self-destructive? i was really good about keeping track of my food in my FitDay Journal the past couple of days, but after i saw what and how much i ate yesterday, i was disgusted. and at that point, i just didn’t care anymore. i’m going to eat whatever the hell i want, i decided, but i’m not going to keep track of it so i don’t know how bad it is. i’m just going to eat and eat and eat and i don’t care.

awhile back, Hopper was "helping" Brian do whatever it was he was doing on the computer at the time.  her help consisted of somehow making the entire desktop or window or whatever rotate 90 degrees.  neither Brian nor i knew how to fix this.  for the next hour or so, Brian tilted his head to the right in order to read what was on the screen.  finally, he did a Google search (no idea what his search terms were) and found a solution, which, unfortunately, i’ve already forgotten.

a couple of weeks ago, i noticed that my sister signed in on MSN Messenger.  she was supposed to be at work, but IM’d her to see if she took the day off.  she never answered me, and it turned out that she was at work that day.  we figured that one of her cats must have jumped onto the computer desk at her home and moved the mouse or something.

well, you can now prevent these things from happening by installing PawSense, which i learned about from Cheryl at Richardson Zoo.

according to the developers, "PawSense analyzes keypress timings and combinations to distinguish cat typing from human typing. PawSense normally recognizes a cat on the keyboard within one or two pawsteps."  uh, yeah.  further, as soon as a cat steps on the keyboard, PawSense plays what they call "a sound that annoys cats."  listen to it here.  the first time i played it, Hopper, relaxing on top of the printer as usual, quickly raised her head.  the second time, she didn’t do a damn thing.  however, PawSense offers another sound that you can hear here.  the first time i played it, Hopper’s eyes widened–slightly.  the second time, she didn’t do a damn thing.

wouldn’t it be easier to just get a sliding keyboard tray?

why is it that things that are supposed to be good for you–food, activities, etc.–are no fun? i’ve been trying to keep track of my food and calories and it’s turning out to be harder than i imagined it would be. i even told myself that i wouldn’t be totally anal about it, but FitDay requires you to input the fat, carbs, and protein for what you eat instead of just the calories. in other words, i can’t just jot the calories and servings down on a piece of paper and enter them in later. well, i suppose it isn?t that much more difficult to record the other stuff, but right now it just seems like too much.

See more progress on: Lose 20 pounds

i hate it when my Rainman schedule is thrown off. because i didn’t make it to see my therapist last Friday, i had to reschedule for 9am this morning because she’ll be out of town this Friday, which is when i usually see her. i can’t remember the last time i had to be anywhere that early. i’ve certainly been up by then, but not out the door.

because i barely got up in time, i didn’t 1) make the bed, 2) take a shower, 3) feed the cats, and then go about the rest of my day. i’ve discovered in the past month or so that if my days don’t start out as exactly the same as possible, it’s hard for me to steer it back to “normal.” this has to do with my anxiety, i know.

i was supposed to see the ENT last Tuesday at 5, but because i had already spent 3 hours at that office earlier that day, there was no way i was going back in the evening, especially since i had to drive through Cubs traffic on my way home. Brian rescheduled it for today at 12:20pm, but that was before i had to reschedule to see my therapist. i didn’t reschedule it myself because i just couldn’t deal with it.

anyway, by the time i got home from the therapist, backtracked to do 1, 2, and 3, it would have been time to leave for the ENT. also, i had to stop by the vet’s office to pick up Angelo’s food, which was on my way home from the therapist’s office. no way was i going to the ENT’s office, so i asked Brian to cancel and agreed to reschedule the appointment myself.

i’ve been totally avoiding going to the ENT because i just don’t want to know what they find in the CT scans. it seems like too much to deal with right now. i forgot to make another appointment with the allergist so that’ll have to wait ’til next week because i’m supposed to stop taking all my allergy meds 3 days before the appointment. besides, i doubt that Brian and i will have made enough changes in our environment to satisfy her. right, like we’re going to get rid of any of the cats.

didn’t make an in-take appointment for the DBT program, either. i guess i really struck out today. oh, well. i really haven’t been feeling well the past few days–tummy trouble. i don’t care if i feel like i’m dying; i’m not going to the doctor about that.