hard to believe, but it’s been nearly a week now that i haven’t had a caffeinated drink. i realize that decaf coffee still has some caffeine in it, but you know what i mean. my anxiety hasn’t decreased yet. in fact, today i had an anxiety attack because there weren’t any decaf diet Cokes in the house.
i wonder how much of the “decaffeinated me” contributed to the depression i felt last week, and that i think i’m still feeling. i managed to go to the coffee shop with Brian late this morning, like we usually do on weekends, so that was good because i haven’t been outside of our apartment since Wednesday.
i don’t have anywhere i need to be tomorrow, i’ll have the car, i can basically go wherever i want, but will i? we’ll see.
for the past couple of days i’ve had a very hard time getting out of bed–not waking up, but getting out of the actual bed and standing on my feet. everything i do, i have to think out first, have a plan. for example, the other day, i was sitting on the couch reading and i had these chores i needed to do and i had to count things out in my mind, like i do in the morning (1. make the bed, etc.): first, i have to go to the bathroom. then, i’ll collect all the trash. after that, i’ll scoop the litter boxes. next, i’ll put on my shoes and take it all to the dumpster. it seemed like it actually took longer for me to come up with that plan than it did to actually execute it.
that’s how everything has been lately, like i’m moving through a fog, or against the wind, so i have to know exactly what i’m going to do next before i get blown off the path. even then, it’s hard to get up and do the first thing. what’s worse is visualizing all of these things that i want to do (like go to my martial arts class–ha!) and then not do them. i’m afraid i’m slipping into the sinkhole of depression again. i suspected it earlier in the week, and now i’m scared that it’s true. i would much rather be manic. i hate being depressed.
can eating be considered self-destructive? i was really good about keeping track of my food in my FitDay Journal the past couple of days, but after i saw what and how much i ate yesterday, i was disgusted. and at that point, i just didn’t care anymore. i’m going to eat whatever the hell i want, i decided, but i’m not going to keep track of it so i don’t know how bad it is. i’m just going to eat and eat and eat and i don’t care.
awhile back, Hopper was "helping" Brian do whatever it was he was doing on the computer at the time. her help consisted of somehow making the entire desktop or window or whatever rotate 90 degrees. neither Brian nor i knew how to fix this. for the next hour or so, Brian tilted his head to the right in order to read what was on the screen. finally, he did a Google search (no idea what his search terms were) and found a solution, which, unfortunately, i’ve already forgotten.
a couple of weeks ago, i noticed that my sister signed in on MSN Messenger. she was supposed to be at work, but IM’d her to see if she took the day off. she never answered me, and it turned out that she was at work that day. we figured that one of her cats must have jumped onto the computer desk at her home and moved the mouse or something.
well, you can now prevent these things from happening by installing PawSense, which i learned about from Cheryl at Richardson Zoo.
according to the developers, "PawSense analyzes keypress timings and combinations to distinguish cat typing from human typing. PawSense normally recognizes a cat on the keyboard within one or two pawsteps." uh, yeah. further, as soon as a cat steps on the keyboard, PawSense plays what they call "a sound that annoys cats." listen to it here. the first time i played it, Hopper, relaxing on top of the printer as usual, quickly raised her head. the second time, she didn’t do a damn thing. however, PawSense offers another sound that you can hear here. the first time i played it, Hopper’s eyes widened–slightly. the second time, she didn’t do a damn thing.
wouldn’t it be easier to just get a sliding keyboard tray?
why is it that things that are supposed to be good for you–food, activities, etc.–are no fun? i’ve been trying to keep track of my food and calories and it’s turning out to be harder than i imagined it would be. i even told myself that i wouldn’t be totally anal about it, but FitDay requires you to input the fat, carbs, and protein for what you eat instead of just the calories. in other words, i can’t just jot the calories and servings down on a piece of paper and enter them in later. well, i suppose it isn?t that much more difficult to record the other stuff, but right now it just seems like too much.
See more progress on: Lose 20 pounds
i hate it when my Rainman schedule is thrown off. because i didn’t make it to see my therapist last Friday, i had to reschedule for 9am this morning because she’ll be out of town this Friday, which is when i usually see her. i can’t remember the last time i had to be anywhere that early. i’ve certainly been up by then, but not out the door.
because i barely got up in time, i didn’t 1) make the bed, 2) take a shower, 3) feed the cats, and then go about the rest of my day. i’ve discovered in the past month or so that if my days don’t start out as exactly the same as possible, it’s hard for me to steer it back to “normal.” this has to do with my anxiety, i know.
i was supposed to see the ENT last Tuesday at 5, but because i had already spent 3 hours at that office earlier that day, there was no way i was going back in the evening, especially since i had to drive through Cubs traffic on my way home. Brian rescheduled it for today at 12:20pm, but that was before i had to reschedule to see my therapist. i didn’t reschedule it myself because i just couldn’t deal with it.
anyway, by the time i got home from the therapist, backtracked to do 1, 2, and 3, it would have been time to leave for the ENT. also, i had to stop by the vet’s office to pick up Angelo’s food, which was on my way home from the therapist’s office. no way was i going to the ENT’s office, so i asked Brian to cancel and agreed to reschedule the appointment myself.
i’ve been totally avoiding going to the ENT because i just don’t want to know what they find in the CT scans. it seems like too much to deal with right now. i forgot to make another appointment with the allergist so that’ll have to wait ’til next week because i’m supposed to stop taking all my allergy meds 3 days before the appointment. besides, i doubt that Brian and i will have made enough changes in our environment to satisfy her. right, like we’re going to get rid of any of the cats.
didn’t make an in-take appointment for the DBT program, either. i guess i really struck out today. oh, well. i really haven’t been feeling well the past few days–tummy trouble. i don’t care if i feel like i’m dying; i’m not going to the doctor about that.
it’s hard to explain really. i guess the closest example i can come up with is when you leave your house and you’re just convinced that you’ve forgotten something at home but you can’t remember what it is–or if you even forgot something at all. i feel like i’m inadequately prepared for something that might happen. it doesn’t even have to be a big event necessarily, just something like starting to rain but hey, i remembered to bring an umbrella! that sort of thing, if it makes sense.
both the chiro and the pdoc want me to get jobs, not for the money but to add structure in my life. the pdoc has acknowledged though, that i’m overqualified for most part-time jobs. we’ll see. i do miss being around people during the day. the therapist doesn’t think i’m ready for a job, job, so she suggested looking into a dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) program. the pdoc gave me the name and number of someone to call, so i’ll do that on Monday.
my therapist also thinks that i should get all of these other doctors out of the way so i at least feel better physically before i go looking for a job. until then, i’m going to go ahead and file for disability. why not? i qualify. I’ve been paying taxes since i was 15. it’s just a long and tedious process. still, money’s money. Brian told me that the student loan people accepted my forbearance for a year.
it’s really depressing. the pdoc wants me to get a job without having to worry about the money; the therapist doesn’t feel like i’m ready for a job; but on the other hand, we could use the money. the pdoc said he doesn’t want my graduate to degree to go to waste. hahaha.
well, it isn?t as if the goal has changed completely. i just think that ?stop eating junk food? is too broad. i mean, you don?t necessarily have to lose weight to do this. i had also thought about adding ?exercise regularly? or something like that, but also in order to lose weight. for me, anyway.
so from now on, my goal is to lose 20 lbs., hopefully by the end of the year. i actually started this goal in January or February, hoping to have lost it by now. heh.
i was doing so well, keeping my calorie intake down to 1800 or less. when i started PHP, somehow my diet got all messed up. there was a Bakers Square within easy access to the hospital, among other things. i also stopped keeping track of what i ate in my FitDay Journal. i opened a new account under the name bloggochicago since bipolar bloggo is no more. also, it makes me feel like i?m starting fresh.
i?ve resolved to start keeping track of my daily calories again. i?m not going to worry about all the fat grams and carbs and all that, because when i do, like when i?m not sure what the numbers are, i?m less likely to keep track.
See more progress on: Lose 20 pounds
i am sick of having to make lifestyle changes. so many have been recommended to me in the past four or five months that i haven’t completed even one of them.
first, my pdoc said that i should cap off my daily calorie intake at 1800 if i want to lose the 30 lbs. of Lamictal weight. i lost ten as soon as i stopped taking it, but have gained about seven back.
for the past several months i’ve been trying to wean caffeine completely from my diet, which my pdoc also wants me to do. i haven’t, but i’ve cut down substantially. this is supposed to help my insomnia and anxiety.
the chiro suggested that i go on a gluten- and dairy-free diet to see if it relieves allergy symptoms. he also put me on all kinds of dietary supplements (just my luck to get a chiropractor who also works on nutrition). he believes that lower back pain can be caused by a poor diet.
i’ve been drinking this nasty protein shake he had me buy, for about two months now. it’s supposed to detoxify my liver from the hordes of medications i’ve been on in the past ten years. the chiro incorporates aspects of Eastern medicine and that holistic thing, and based on a test he does on some pressure point, my liver function has improved. granted, my back pain has diminished quite a bit since i’ve been seeing him, and my body is finally relaxing enough so that the adjustments actually happen. that’s just the beginning, and i’m not even going to go into the rest of the dietary supplements right now.
today, i finally made it to the allergist, who the ENT wanted me to see back in like, March. they did one of those tests where they place columns of various allergens up and down your forearms. guess what i’m allergic to the most? cats!
she sent me home with all sorts of instructions on what to do with bedding and the rest of my living environment. i’m supposed to go back next week to test for foods, and she wants me to tell her what i’ve changed. she also said that i can’t have four cats.
my day already started out pretty crappy, and it’s a miracle that i didn’t have an anxiety attack before i even got there this morning. it’s a miracle i didn’t have one afterwards, but i was deeply distressed. i found myself thinking about which cat we’d have to give up as i drove home.
fortunately, i managed to catch Brian in between meetings and he talked some sense into me–we’re not getting rid of any of the cats. but then i feel like, well, why bother going to the allergist if i’m a non-compliant patient? it would be like continuing to see the pdoc even if i didn’t take any of my meds, wouldn’t it?
the allergist said that i presented with late-phase allergy symptoms, which is why i no longer feel seasonal allergies or am bothered when the cats are near me; it isn’t that i’ve developed a tolerance to the allergens–i’ve grown accustomed to feeling congested. living the way i do will cause chronic sinusitis, such as i already have. polyps can form in my sinuses–which they have in the past–and i’ll constantly be on meds and having surgery or whatnot. i don’t want that. but i also don’t want to get rid of any of the cats.
part of me wants to say, fuck it all to hell. i’m going to eat whatever the hell i want and live the way i want. i stopped using drugs 12 years ago, i rarely drink any more (less than once a year), and i quit smoking seven years ago! that’s not enough, apparently. now, they want more. i am so fucking sick of doctors.
in a psych class i took in college we learned about retrograde and antegrade amnesia. amnesia, obviously, is a lack of memory caused by some sort of brain trauma. the prefixes for the 2 types of amnesia define the events that the person is unable to remember. “retro-” means after, as in hipsters who dress like, “retro 80s” 20 years after the original fashion came out. “ante-” means before, as in “ante up” or, pay before you play. the latter type is what most of us are familiar with and portrayed on TV shows and movies and stuff: the person can’t remember events that happened before their injury, like what their name is, where they’re from, etc. retrograde amnesia is the inability to remember events that happened after the injury.
apparently, Ativan can cause retrograde amnesia. that’s why i can’t remember most of what happened after i took the first dose. Ativan works on your central nervous system (CNS), which comprises the spine and the brain. apparently, 6mg of Ativan injured my brain enough to cause retrograde amnesia. i figure that 10mg taken in one dose 10 years ago didn’t traumatize my brain because a lot of chemical changes can happen in your body over a decade. my body reacted differently this time around.
it still disturbs me that i can’t remember everything that happened, but i’m relieved to know why.
LEGO Star Wars: Revenge of the Brick is a must-see. thanks, Fed, for bringing this to my attention! one of my favorite parts is when the Wookie takes a Polaroid. watch it. you’ll see what i mean.
