Weight Up, Yo

saw the pdoc today. i gained 4 lbs. since my last visit, which is depressing. not in the clinical sense of the word–you know what i mean. discouraging. sucks. of course it doesn’t help that i’ve been eating like, an entire package of Pepperidge Farm Geneva cookies in one sitting. i don’t think it’s binging, either, because i don’t think i’ve binged since i stopped taking Lamictal. so maybe i really don’t have BED. who knows? all i know is that i’m not happy about my weight.

tomorrow i’m finally going in for the CT scans i was supposed to have done in oh, February? March? when they figure out what the hell is going on with my sinuses and why i’m always sleepy and slightly dizzy, maybe i can finally go back to martial arts, which i’ve been wanting to do but haven’t because i’m afraid of passing out.

besides that, things are going well other than the fact that i still don’t have a direction in life. the pdoc reminded me that several months ago, my goal was to regain my autonomy, and i finally have so that’s a huge step forward. my therapist says the same thing, but to me, it’s nothing compared to my friends who are having babies, getting tenure-track jobs, etc. you know, accomplishing real milestones in their lives. considering that i’m bipolar and couldn’t get out the door or drive or whatever just a few months ago, i suppose it’s a milestone, but because i’ve accomplished more in my life in the past, it diminishes that fact. it wouldn’t be so bad if i hadn’t put myself through college or hadn’t gone to grad school. i don’t know.