i didn’t go to PHP last Friday because i’m just tired of it. i’m tired of spending four hours a day, five days a week talking about depression and anxiety. don’t get me wrong–the discussions have helped so far, and so have the articles they’ve handed out. they’ve been informative and i’ve learned that more than anything, i have a large amount of anxiety. so much so that it exists even when i’m at baseline. apparently, this is a learned habit that i have to unlearn. as long as i’m aware of the anxiety and its triggers i think it’ll be easier.

the main thing is that all the people close to my age have been discharged. last week, of the ten or so patients, we were all between the ages of 19 and 83. now, everyone but me is older than my parents, and they’re 58! sure, depression and anxiety are depression and anxiety, but they’re in a completely different stage of life.

so i called in Friday and told them that i’m ready to just go three days a week, which would have been the case next week anyway because i see the pdoc and chiro on Tuesday and my therapist on Thursday. ok, so i would have been gone for just half those days. the Head Therapist said they’d put me down for MWF and then i’d be discharged.

part of me is relieved because i’m so done with PHP. however, i’m not sure that i’m totally ready. i’ve missed at least one dose of my medication these past few days because i’ve either fallen asleep on the couch or have forgotten to take them in the morning because i don’t have that “get up, get dressed, and go” routine i have on weekdays when i go to PHP. well, whatever. i’ll worry about it when i talk to them tomorrow.

i finally set up the CT scan on my own, so that’ll happen tomorrow evening. i have yet to fill up my pill boxes for the week, so i guess i’ll do that now.

after my therapist appointment on Thursday Brian and i went to see the new Star Wars movie. we had a lot of fun. the last time we went to the movies was when Bourne Supremacy came out last year. since then, whenever we’ve made plans to go to a show, we end up blowing it off and staying home instead. hopefully that will improve.

OK, OK.  i broke down and saw it today (actually Thursday, but it’s past midnight now so technically, it’s Friday).  however, Brian  and i went to a 3:50pm show so it wasn’t crowded, there were no long lines, and there was only one person waving a lightsaber in the theater.  if we weren’t in Chicago, i would have thought it was soyunperdedor with his "son’s" lightsaber since the guy was with a small boy.  heh.

that’s all I’ll write for now.  i have plenty of impressions about both the movie and book, which I finished a few days ago.  i did want to come straight home to watch A New Hope, but i barely got home in time to watch the season finale of CSI.  i have to get up in 8 hours, but what the hell?  maybe i’ll go watch ANH now.

:: how jedi are you? ::

According to IMDb.com, Samuel L. Jackson “[h]ad ‘BMF’ engraved on the bottom of his lightsaber.”? How cool is that?

no, not the action figure type.  i’m referring to those things that . . . i’m not even sure what they do, really.  all i know is that they have something to do with electrical power.

off and on for the past week, we haven’t had power in any room but the living room and dining room, and it has nothing to do with ComEd.  it has everything to do with "ABCD Management," our landlord.  meanwhile, the fridge and other major appliances are plugged into power strips and extension cords running through our apartment.

today, ABCD Management had an electrician (non-union, i’m sure) replace the transformer.  luckily, the power was only out for about 2 hours.  they’ve finished the job, but i’m still not totally convinced there won’t be any more problems.  good thing i had already saved my current game on Xbox the other night when the power went out.

last week was the first week i went to PHP every single day. well, Monday through Friday. Thursday i was there only for a half day but that was because i had an appointment with my therapist. i didn’t make it today but i’ve got this screaming sinus headache and feel really run down. i have yet to make an appointment to have a CT scan done of my sinuses, but i’ll do that tomorrow while i’m at the hospital. anyway, i’m not sure how much longer i have to go to PHP even though the therapists and pdoc keep telling how much better i’m doing. another week or two?

i’m now back on Tegretol, which makes me incredibly tired. it’s supposed to wear off after a while, but right now it’s really kicking my ass. i was on Tegretol for years ’til it stopped working, but since i’ve been off of it for over a year i’m hoping that it’ll be effective again. the only down side is that i have to have my blood drawn every three months or so to check the level to make sure it isn’t so high that it affects my liver. i’m used to that, and it’s certainly better than putting on weight.

as part of my quest to regain my autonomy, i’m once again filling my pill boxes for the week. Brian’s been doing it for the past i-don’t-know-how-many months. it’s a pain, but again, it’s one of those things you just have to deal with. i’ve tried taking my meds straight from the bottles, but then sometimes i forget which ones i already took and end up dumping them all out and counting out each tablet or whatever. inevitably, a few fall on the floor and one of the cats bats them under the fridge or behind a book shelf.

i’ve been too tired this past week to update let alone know what my moods have been. i don’t think i’m depressed any longer, but i still feel irritable at times. my pdoc at PHP says she thinks that my mood has been more stable since i’ve been on the Tegretol, which hasn’t been all that long. i just can’t wait for the drowsy side effects to wear off.