Still Here, Still in PHP

well, i haven’t disappeared off the face of the earth, or at least the blogosphere, and i’m still in PHP. it’s helping, i think, and so is the warmer weather.

for the first time ever, i stopped taking a medication without notifying my pdoc. here’s my excuse: he was out of town this past weekend, and i didn’t know how to get in touch with my pdoc at the hospital where i go to PHP. lame, i know, but the Topamax made just about everything i ate taste bad. no wonder people supposedly lose weight while on it.

also, it messed with my digestive system, although that could have been the soy milk i started drinking in my lattes because of that gluten-/dairy-free diet the chiro has me on. by the end of last week, i’d had enough and came to the conclusion that i don’t like soy lattes. besides, the nurse at PHP recommended that i not try to completely change my diet overnight. fine with me.

i told the PHP pdoc on Tuesday (i skipped on Monday) that i stopped taking it and also called my regular pdoc’s office and left a message, though i have yet to hear back from him. anyway, i’m not sure i was even taking it long enough for it to have any therapeutic effect.

i’m still missing some of my medical appointments as well as a day or so of PHP a week, but i’m working on it. after such a long time of being able to wake up whenever i feel like it and pacing my day the way i want to, it’s hard to have to get up every morning, shower, and head out the door. however, this regular schedule seems to be helping me regulate my sleep schedule, so that’s good.

earlier this week, i walked the three blocks to Walgreens all by myself! it felt really good to finally be able to do that again without having to think twice about it. the weather was perfect, and besides, i had a motivating factor–my sister told me that they sell Neopets trading cards there, so i had to see for myself.

Brian and i have started playing the Neopets TCG (trading card game) and went to a coffee shop Saturday morning to do just that. it was great to do something “normal” for a change, or at least something that had nothing to do with doctors, therapists, etc.

as for the bitch who pissed me off at PHP a couple of weeks ago, well, she had already been discharged by the time i came back. i was disappointed because i wanted to confront her (nicely, of course, and during group) about what she said that set me off. i promised to write what happened, which i did several days ago but just haven’t posted, so i typed it up and you can read it in the link below.

(originally written some time in the last week or so)
we were doing our check-in, and i couldn’t think of a goal i wanted to accomplish that day. it doesn’t have to be anything big–like it could be petting an animal or something like that. anyway, i couldn’t think of anything, so i half-jokingly said that i wanted to make at least 10K in Neopoints. Thursdays are also my TV night (CSI, Without a Trace), and i said something about not watching enough TV because i’m on the computer so much.

somehow, this was interpreted as like, i’m unable to tear myself away from the computer because of Neopets. one of the nurses suggested not playing for one night. i replied–jokingly–that i didn’t want my pets to starve.

there was a new patient that day; i’ll call her the Antiques Dealer. after check-in, there’s what they call “process group,” which is basically a regular group therapy session where we discuss our issues. the Antiques Dealer spoke first, alternately crying and talking.

apparently, she and her husband moved to the Chicago area two years ago–his choice because it had to do with his job and he was near retirement. she planned to start an antique business here but never did. her brother died tragically (recently? i don’t know), and she hadn’t left her house in three months.

then, she turns to me and says, “i realize that i don’t know you, so don’t take what i’m about to say the wrong way.” she went on to give a been there, done that spiel about spending mind-numbing hours at the computer instead of living life. she then addressed the entire group about being able to recognize one’s own self-defeating behavior. she even made some condescending remark about not understanding the “need” to feed inanimate objects.

i was already tense and that put me over the edge. i found myself defending the time i spend at the computer, which isn’t just playing Neopets. i blog, read the news, read and comment on other people’s blogs (though admittedly, i haven’t been doing so much of that lately), check e-mail, teach myself HTML, do research on whatever interests me at the time.

the Antiques Dealer didn’t listen–just shook her head as if pitying my “denial.” she said something about getting out to be around people, and i said that i go to martial arts classes. although the Flash games i played in the past were mindless, at least on Neopets i earn points that i can use. anyway, i said that i correspond with people online. to her, this isn’t the same as being at the grocery store and exchanging small talk about the price of eggs with a stranger. seriously. that was the example she gave. like that type of face-to-face encounter with someone you’ll never see again is more meaningful than a friendship with someone even if it’s through the Internet.

to make things worse, Head Therapist pointed out that even though i was angry, i had to keep an open mind. well, no shit. yeah, i was angry, but i wasn’t sure what it was i was angry about. i also felt that the open-mindedness goes both ways and that Antiques Dealer should try to see it from my point of view. then again, she’s a fucking antiques dealer–she’s probably terrified of computers and uses a typewriter, carbon paper, and a rotary phone.

i stewed over this for the next couple of days and then i figured out what made me so mad. aside from her condescending attitude (so what if i play Neopets, especially if it makes me happy? i am depressed, after all), she pre-judged me. she knew that i had trouble getting out of the house and ascribed it to my computer use, which has nothing to do with it at all!

before i made comments on the other patients’ situations, i asked them questions first to make sure i had an accurate grasp of their circumstances. did she ask me any questions? no, she just qualified her completely inaccurate assessment of me. i won’t deny that my behavior might have mirrored hers, but in no way does that mean it would have the same effect on me that it did on her.

April 20, 2005
i wasn’t going to bring this up in group because it seemed like a moot point–the Antiques Dealer was no longer there. then i realized the real reason i got so angry–she totally behaved just like my mother. and that’s a whole other story.