i cannot believe what happened earlier tonight.  i was sitting at my desk and Hopper was sitting on the side desk, when i suddenly smelled something.  Brian was in the next room, and i remarked, "somebody didn’t bury."

i happened to look in Hopper’s direction, and she was taking a dump on the side desk.  wha–?  she’s pooped outside the box before (on this occasion and this other occasion among others), but never so blatantly in front of us.  i mean, she was in the middle of the act when i saw her.  she got a time out in the bathroom, which she’s never had before.  i’m not sure how that went because Brian was the disciplinarian this time.  i was frozen where i sat, in disbelief, in dismay, and absolutely mortified.

a few days ago i woke up to that same smell, and i thought the same thought:  somebody didn’t bury.  i tossed and turned and put the pillow over my head to keep the stink at bay.  Brian had already woken up and moved to the couch to "get ready" to get ready for work.  when he returned to the bedroom, he mentioned the smell.  it was still there, yet when he checked the litter boxes in the hallway, there were no telltale signs.

i leaped right out of bed.  we pulled the covers off and guess what we found?  luckily, it wasn’t anywhere near me.  we don’t know who did it, but we have a clue.  geez.  i’d rather wake up to a lump of coal on Christmas day.

i never intended for this blog to be solely composed of entries about how miserable i feel. then again, at the time i created it, i wasn’t miserable, or at least not as much as i am now. oh, well. if you can bear it, thanks in advance.

never made it to the ENT today. nope. i can’t even explain why. i clam up at the thought of leaving the apartment. i’m certainly not agoraphobic, so that isn’t it. but this whole situation is so annoying because i just want to be normal. i want to be able to come and go without even having to think about it. the fact that i cannot do this angers and frustrates me. i’ve been on Neopets a lot lately. there’s an illness that your pets could suffer from called Neophobia, which is “a chronic fear of leaving the house.” as i said, i’m not afraid to go out; i just don’t want to. well, i do, but i can’t. i don’t know. anyway, the cure for Neophobia is what’s known as Step Out Shoes (see pic). put them on your Neopet, and they’ll be able to go outside straight away! now why can’t they make those in real life?

Brian rescheduled my appointment for early Thursday evening so he can accompany me. i feel awful that he has to use his vacation/sick/personal days to chauffeur me from one appointment to another. it seems so incredibly selfish. i told him so and he said that he doesn’t mind; that he wants to do this. still, i feel like i’m imposing on his time.

i ought to go to bed because i have to get up early tomorrow for my first day of PHP. too bad i’m not remotely sleepy. i think i still have some Ativan that the pdoc gave me to help me sleep if i need it, which i haven’t had to do in maybe three months now, so i don’t really want to start again.

i’m a little nervous about going. i don’t know what to expect, yet i do know what to expect. this program is for high-functioning bipolars, but i can’t help feeling like i’m such a loser that i can’t even work or do the things that most people do and have to go to this instead. the last time, i met a woman who had been a successful pharmaceutical sales rep. neither of us could figure out how the hell we ended up where we were. part of me still wonders: how the hell did i end up like this?

Image: Copyright 2004
Neopets, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Used With Permission

if you have to double park because you need to run into a store or your building for something real quick, fine.  at least pull over as far as you can to one side of the street so other drivers don’t have to wait for you to return.  you’ll save yourself from being called names and having rude gestures thrown your way.

this past Friday i had my second appointment with the chiropractor. my back is super tight because of chronic stress. i knew i was stressed, but i didn’t realize that it was chronic. he said something about my adrenal system, like i’m always in fight or flight mode. or more so than most people, anyway. he gave me some sort of dietary supplement that i take in the morning and at lunch. they’re supposed to give me more energy, but it doesn’t feel like it so far.

the depression seems to be getting worse. there are less and less things that i want to do; i’ve lost interest in things that i am interested in. part of me wants to get out of the apartment, but something keeps me back. nothing sounds good. that’s the only way i can describe it, i guess. i’m blowing things off like keeping track of my meals. it just seems like too much work right now. everything seems too overwhelming, even taking a shower. it’s like, all i want to do is lie down, but i don’t want to. my sleep schedule is off again as well, but it seems to be improving.

Brian took Friday off to take me to the doctor, but tomorrow i have a follow-up appointment with the ENT because of that sinusitis. i am so sick of being in doctor’s offices, but i have to go. Brian’s taking the train to work so i can have the car. hopefully it’ll make it easier for me to get there.

on Tuesday we’re driving to the ‘burbs together. i have an intake interview at the hospital down the street from his office, and i’ll start PHP that day. that way, if i don’t like it or it isn’t a good match, i won’t have to come back the next day. i hope it works out, and i certainly hope it’s a much better program than the last one i was in.

the weight seems to be staying off and i can now wear my own pants again as opposed to Brian’s. i hope that i get back to my normal weight soon. the acne, however, isn’t worse, but it isn’t exactly better, either. it looks absolutely awful and makes me want to stay inside even more.

here they are, fresh out of the oven.  they sure look real.  at least they smell better than the real thing.  they’re bland because they’re sugarfree.  according to the recipe, the dough flattens into a regular cookie shape if sugar is added.