PHP, Take 2

today was my first full day of PHP. it’s still too early for me to say if i like it or not, or if it’s helping, but the fact that it’s getting me out of the house is definitely a step in the right direction. one thing’s for certain: it’s very different from the PHP i went to last year, not in a good or bad way, just different. i’m not going to get into that right now, though.

Brian and i showed up yesterday for the intake interview, during which i didn’t have to fill out any questionnaires or forms, for that matter. i just had to sign a bunch of paperwork. while we were meeting with the therapist in charge, the other patients were doing their check-in.

the next group started around 10 or so, and i joined in then. there were only 7 of us, which was kind of nice. that went the way i expected it to–as any group therapy session goes, i guess. i didn’t realize that there was another group meeting at the same time, and when our session was over, we reconvened in the main therapy room for like an educational discussion or whatever about meds.

the people in the other group, maybe 4 total? well, they aren’t as high functioning as the people i was with. i don’t know what criteria they use to determine whether or not someone functions at a high or low level, but there’s a difference. anyway, this one guy, i’ll call him “Dude,” continually interrupted the nurse who was leading the group, blurting out various names of medications, repeating some of them, and was just out…of…control.

when i arrived at the hospital, i was already a bundle of nerves, incredibly anxious. near the end of the session i was in, i talked some, and i kind of had to struggle not to go off because of how frustrated i am with myself and with the depression. by the time i was in the other room with Dude, i couldn’t take it anymore. i wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up. inappropriate, and the guy probably can’t even help it. but that’s how i felt.

Lamictal came up and i said that i gained a lot of weight while on it. Dude blurts out that in order for me to decrease the size of my stomach (not so eloquently stated), i should do crunches. i was already on edge, he was already irritating me, and although i know he meant well, it just felt like a complete insult. i just cut him off and said, “you know what? you don’t need to tell me. i already know” in a sharp, clipped tone.

fortunately, lunch came next and Brian was waiting for me by the elevator. i told him that there was no way i could stay the rest of the day with that guy. no way. especially because i didn’t have any Ativan with me. i was so agitated, i was afraid i’d do or say something stupid and inappropriate and immature.

we talked to the therapists and nurse about it, and they said that Dude is working on his problem. they even encouraged me to point out to him when he’s being disruptive. under normal circumstances, i could do that tactfully. yesterday, i knew it would be impossible. still, they encouraged me to stay for the afternoon. Brian happened to have a script for Ativan with him, so we went to get it filled.

as it came closer and closer to the time i had to be back, i was so anxious that i was shaking and stammering and could barely utter a complete sentence. i just wasn’t prepared for that. Brian called the therapist we met with (i think she’s the program coordinator) and explained the situation. she asked to speak to me, which of course i totally didn’t want to do, but i got on the phone. she was really understanding and i assured her that i’d be back the next day and more prepared.

that was today. i took an Ativan before i got there. even so, i was still pretty anxious. i didn’t have an anxiety attack or anything, but while i was getting ready to leave this morning, i had the dry heaves. i hadn’t eaten anything yet, and if i had, maybe i would have thrown up. it was that bad.

before Brian and i left the ‘burbs yesterday we stopped by the public library so i could see where it is, inquired about borrowing privileges, and checked out the computer room. so at least i had a plan for what to do today while he was still at work. except that i was so tired and sleepy because my sleep schedule is still off and i just wanted to go home. Brian had a meeting ’til 3:30, then came and got me. i nearly fell asleep in the lobby.

i’m hoping to be able to get to bed by like, midnight tonight so i’ll be well rested. i’m still very apprehensive and anxious. at least i finally got in touch with my therapist. she wants me to do this first week of PHP, and then call her on Friday to schedule an appointment. like, if i have an appointment with her, it’s ok if i miss a day of PHP, but she doesn’t want me to miss any during the first week.

Brian keeps telling me how proud he is of me, and i’m grateful for that, because when i was so shaken up that i needed to go home yesterday, i felt like a total failure.