Anxiety, Insecurity, and More
i never intended for this blog to be solely composed of entries about how miserable i feel. then again, at the time i created it, i wasn’t miserable, or at least not as much as i am now. oh, well. if you can bear it, thanks in advance.
never made it to the ENT today. nope. i can’t even explain why. i clam up at the thought of leaving the apartment. i’m certainly not agoraphobic, so that isn’t it. but this whole situation is so annoying because i just want to be normal. i want to be able to come and go without even having to think about it. the fact that i cannot do this angers and frustrates me. i’ve been on Neopets a lot lately. there’s an illness that your pets could suffer from called Neophobia, which is “a chronic fear of leaving the house.” as i said, i’m not afraid to go out; i just don’t want to. well, i do, but i can’t. i don’t know. anyway, the cure for Neophobia is what’s known as Step Out Shoes (see pic). put them on your Neopet, and they’ll be able to go outside straight away! now why can’t they make those in real life?
Brian rescheduled my appointment for early Thursday evening so he can accompany me. i feel awful that he has to use his vacation/sick/personal days to chauffeur me from one appointment to another. it seems so incredibly selfish. i told him so and he said that he doesn’t mind; that he wants to do this. still, i feel like i’m imposing on his time.
i ought to go to bed because i have to get up early tomorrow for my first day of PHP. too bad i’m not remotely sleepy. i think i still have some Ativan that the pdoc gave me to help me sleep if i need it, which i haven’t had to do in maybe three months now, so i don’t really want to start again.
i’m a little nervous about going. i don’t know what to expect, yet i do know what to expect. this program is for high-functioning bipolars, but i can’t help feeling like i’m such a loser that i can’t even work or do the things that most people do and have to go to this instead. the last time, i met a woman who had been a successful pharmaceutical sales rep. neither of us could figure out how the hell we ended up where we were. part of me still wonders: how the hell did i end up like this?
Image: Copyright 2004
Neopets, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Used With Permission
Bipolar/Anxiety/BPD
Wow you just said a lot of stuff I totally relate to. I hate going out but then I think that if I keep staying in it is going to make it harder and harder for me to go out.
I just got my car and I am already not liking it because I get stuck in situations when I am not at home and I cannot drive home because I am to tired or I have too much anxiety.
I get told that I am a “high functioning” bipolar, man I would hate to be one that isn’t.
March 29, 2005 9:02 pm
It is all just part of who we are, the hard part is accepting that this is part of being normal. the word normal defines different to every person in their daily walk through life. Once we learn to accept our normal, and not get frustrated into feeling we are not what society defines as ‘normal,’ the walk tends to get radically lighter, we let people help us ? without fighting back, and the little things that use to make us happy, seem to bring that smile back a fragment easier. Sometimes it is just about letting go of control.
[ The Dook ]
March 30, 2005 11:15 am
I just found your blog. I have never written about my bi-polar. I suffer alot of the same anxiety problems you have. I can go out, I just don’t want to go around people. I prefer the safety and comfort of my own home. I don’t even want to go visit my parents. I have a problem that I am not sure how to solve. My husband is a pastor and I can’t bring myself to go to church. I feel like I ought to leave him so that he can continue his ministry. He insists that leaving him is the wrong thing to do. He feels that people at church understand my illness enough to know that I am not missing church my choice. I don’t know what to do. He is considering a career change so that I don’t feel so threatened. I hate that he might have to change from his calling to preach. I have a wonderful pdoctor. He is up-to-date on the new meds and helps keep me functioning aroung the house. Work is out though. I haven’t worked for a year and a half. This also hurts my self-esteem. I have worked since I was sixteen. Now, to not go to work everyday makes me feel worthless. How do others deal with this? Well, for a first time visit, this is probably enough about me.
April 10, 2005 8:24 am