Unstabilized Mood
well, i didn’t go to either the chiropractor or the therapist today. i just couldn’t get out of the house. my depression is getting worse. it’s getting harder to get in the shower and get dressed. i even have the car today and i thought i could drive the whole four blocks to Starbucks to get a latte but i can’t seem to even do that.
i’ve been feeling this way for the last week or so, and i’m afraid it might be because i’m not currently on a mood stabilizer. the pdoc increased the dosage of my Wellbutrin, but i’m not supposed to do that until my current script runs out, which it hasn’t. i did call his office and the receptionist said he would page the pdoc.
i’m considering going into a PHP again. there’s a hospital just down the street from where Brian works that has one, and my doctor knows some of the pdocs there. Brian and i could drive to the ‘burbs together if i end up going. i just hate that whole stupid intake process where you fill out all these forms, rate your moods on this ridiculous handout that asks some of the same questions three or four times (”on a scale of 1 to 5 are you generally happy?” “on a scale of 1 to 5 are you generally sad?”), and then rehash your whole psychiatric history.
but if it’ll help me get out of this funk i’ll do it. i can’t stand feeling this way anymore. it’s taking a lot out of me just to even post this entry, requires too much thinking. then the negative thoughts come pouring in: i’m a loser because i’m not contributing anything to society because i’m unable to work; i’m nothing but a burden on Brian (he rescheduled my chiropractor appointment for Monday afternoon and plans to take a half day off to take me there himself); and so on and so forth.
Bipolar/Anxiety/BPD
You can DO IT Barb! You aren’t a loser. Not everyone is bipolar, it’s okay. Check this, when I feel like shit, I just tell myself “God loves me and he has the patience to deal with my ass…more than anyone or anything”…. I begin to feel better already.
Ask Brian to go and buy you some flowers so that they brighten up the house when he’s gone. If u look at those flowers, and smell them, it’s almost like being outside, but ur not. That might make you feel a little better.
If I was in Chi-Town, I would definately send you flowers.
March 18, 2005 11:30 pm
If you think the PHP thing would help you, then that might be the best thing. The intake process for psych stuff is always horrible. They ask the same questions everytime and everywhere.
You’re not a loser or a burden, though. I would tell you not to think that way, but I know that sometimes its hard not to think that way.
March 19, 2005 5:22 pm
thanks. ^_^ as a matter of fact, i just threw out some old flowers Brian brought me a few weeks ago–the cats kept assaulting them.
i realize that it’s “depressed” thinking that’s making me feel like a loser and a burden. part of me knows it isn’t true, but when i’m depressed, it seem so real. but thanks for reminding me.
March 19, 2005 11:06 pm
I have to agree with the other repliers. You are certainly not a loser or a burden. You’re a bright, nice, friendly, and interesting lady, and my prayers go out to you whenever I’m awake enough to remember all the people I try to pray for when I start praying.
March 21, 2005 12:39 am
hi barb.
i’m going to send you an email.
and whatever decision you decide (whether to go to PHP or not), i hope that it works out for you…
March 21, 2005 1:58 pm
blogxchng sent me your website to visit today. Sorry your not feeling well. I have depression, I know what it is like to not want to get out or do anything. I honestly do not know much about bi-polar, but i do understand the depression. I truely hope you find the right dosage or some other thing to help you feel better. take care.
March 22, 2005 8:57 am