A No Good, Very Bad Borderline Personality Disorder Day

we never did watch a movie Friday night, but neither of us felt like it. i think Brian continued to sleep on the couch and i read.

i don’t even remember what we did yesterday. oh, he got a lot done: grocery shopping, some errands. i pretty much wasted the day and didn’t get in the shower ’til 7pm.

today was worse. Brian’s sick with a cold, which means that i’ll actually have to take care of myself. in some ways it’s good–it forced me to feed the kitties breakfast, which i haven’t done in months. he and i used to split the feeding. i planned to collect all of the garbage, but when i started to, i broke down and had a tantrum. an actual, face to the floor, sobbing, crying, temper tantrum. i cannot even tell you how embarrassing this is. a grown woman acting like a 4-year-old. honestly, i felt like i was as helpless as a 4-year-old, with no one to take care of me; i was scared.

in my rage, i kicked a small, plastic trash bin and it just grazed Hopper’s head. after i realized what i had done, i felt even worse and wanted to cut myself because i felt like i needed to be punished, but i didn’t. cut myself, that is.

this is what it’s like to be borderline. i hate it. just when i think i’ve shed these behaviors, they suddenly come up and bite me on the ass. i managed to salvage the rest of the day, but i was bored and restless and had absolutely no interest in doing any of the things i like to do.