i made the mistake of looking at my profile in the mirror after i got out of the shower. if i didn’t know better, i’d think i was pregnant. all the weight i’ve gained has gone to my stomach. you’d think some of it could have gone to my boobs, but no.
this weight gain came so rapidly that my body doesn’t feel like my own. suddenly i feel flesh where i never felt it before. skin touching skin that never touched before. if i’m lying on my back, i can no longer see the front of my panties because of the rise of my stomach.
according to FitDay, i’m on the borderline between moderately and severely overweight. i have never had this much mass before. it’s disgusting yet fascinating at the same time. i’m intrigued by my Buddha belly. maybe i find it interesting because it’s almost like being in someone else’s body.
i’m terrified that i won’t shed the weight even after i’ve stopped
taking Lamictal and started taking Wellbutrin. ok, so it’s only been a
day, but still.
i’m convinced that Brian and i haven’t had sex because he no longer
thinks i’m attractive because i’m now fat. i know it’s because of his
own depression, not because he thinks i’m fat, but it doesn’t help.
when we first started dating i asked him if he would still love me if i
weighed 200 lbs. he said yes. well, if my weight keeps increasing at
the rate it has been, we’ll soon see.
if i didn’t want to leave the house before, i definitely don’t want
to leave now. even some of Brian’s pants are tight on me now, around
the waist. i hate this.
the good news is, today was the first time in a couple of months
that i actually left the apartment while the cleaning lady was here.
(we’re not rich, believe me–i think we’re getting a discount on her
services because she used to work for my mother. but for anyone who
suffers from depression and can afford it, having a cleaning lady
helps.) Brian left me the car today and i went to Perfect Cup for a
couple of hours.
then i ran an errand! can you believe it? i stopped by RuffHaus to
get food for Hee Seop and chatted with the groomer and the clerk for a
bit. to the outside world, i seem perfectly fine–well adjusted. it’s
a mask i’ve worn for so long i don’t even know how to take it off.
i’m afraid that if i lose the mask, i’ll find out that the big, fat
body underneath, the one that’s unfamiliar, is the one that belongs
there after all.
I’ve got the same problem. I’m overweight; the first time I’ve ever been in my whole life. I hate it but at least my partner supports me though he does keep saying, “I want my skinny bird back.” mmmm, lol!
I know how it is to feel like an unattractive fat blob. Just don’t confuse your outer appearance with your inner self. Way to go on getting out of the house!
Oh yes, and Hi from BlogXchng!
thank you. ^_^ i wouldn’t even mind the outside at all if i felt more confident on the inside.
Can I rub the belly for luck?
::ducking::
hey! get your own belly!
I went through this four years ago, and I’m still trying to take the fat off. I have bipolar, too. I don’t know if it was the birth control or the meds; risperdal. But it was decided that I go back on risperdal last year, before I even knew it could have been the cause in the first place. Now I learn that both of my meds cause weight gain. My advice to you is to diet/eat right and exercise every day and strength train exercise a few times a week. Sigh. I stress, START NOW.. this will be a tough battle. It’s good that YOUR doctor cares that you gained weight. I remember right before this happened, I was being weighed every session to keep tabs in case I LOST weight. When I was depressed, I didn’t eat much. I used to be very skinny, too. I did gain boobs, but they’re not big enough to hide the stomach! I have a freak body that nice clothes won’t fit. It’s so upsetting. I’m right there with ya, and I’m glad I found your blog. I’ll be visiting again.
I have another blog in addition to the one in my link (that one’s weight loss), http://findingrainbows.colour-dreams.net.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU!
i’ve heard that others have gained weight from Risperdal. i wasn’t on it long enough because it made me short of breath. won’t your doc try something else?
i’m surprised that birth control can add weight. when i first started taking it, they definitely caused weight gain, but i didn’t think the stuff they have now does. in fact, i was thinking of going back on to see if it will help clear my acne.
when i saw the PCP doc a few months ago, he said the same about diet and exercise. and because of my age, i can’t even have a cheat day on the diet.
I wouldn’t take birth control, they’ve discovered they can cause blood clots. Women die. Why can’t you have a cheat day?
I was going to post something else in the comments earlier, but my Internet, or this server, was having problems. I guess I’ll be back when I remember what I was going to say!
he said i couldn’t have a cheat day because when you’re in your 30s, it’s harder to keep the weight off.