Martial Arts (Lack of) Progress Report

i didn’t make it yesterday. it sounds ridiculous, i know, but i was terrified because of the rigorous workout i knew would be coming. the classes that i normally go to focus more on technique than on cardio, which is one of the reasons i took it up in the first place.

another was because my pdoc and my therapist knew that my depression would be improved by doing physical activity; it has in the past. and also, because i used to teach nights. the martial arts academy i go to teaches self-defense techniques, which i figured would come in handy.

anyway, if it were a Tuesday or Thursday, i would have gone for sure. in fact, i was ready to go yesterday except for the fact that Yoda was teaching it. i’ve taken one of his classes in the past, which was rough, but a good workout. not much on technique, though. the thing is, because i knew the class would be cardio heavy, i was afraid i’d have an anxiety attack.

i feel bad because i promised my friend i’d be there. even worse, i got the time wrong by half an hour. the class started at 3:00 p.m., not 3:30. i’ll feel terrible if he doesn’t get promoted because he’s moving up a belt. he works on Sunday and i’m not sure if he can make it to the Monday class.

so i called to find out who would be teaching my class today and on Monday. i know both instructors, but i’d never taken a class with the one who taught today–Lady Instructor. the one who teaches on Monday (i’ll call him Mr. Beautifu because he seemed more interested in looking at himself in the mirror than actually teaching) is even worse than Yoda. the one and only time i took Mr. Beautiful’s class i thought i’d die. we had to do army crawls! i made it through the entire class, though, but that was over a month ago.

i definitely wasn’t going to Mr. Beautiful’s class so i figured i’d see what Lady Instructor’s class was like. well, for some reason, my level and the next level up were having class together today. Filipino Instructor, the guy who teaches the higher class, was mainly instructing rather than Lady Instructor. his cardio warm-ups weren’t nearly as bad as Yoda’s or Mr. Beautiful’s, but i seriously almost threw up in the hallway on my way to the locker room. i was dizzy, and i felt like i was going to die. needless to say, i was mortified.

the instructors are really cool and understanding–they said to take my time, don’t push too hard. when i didn’t return from the locker room because i was talking to the girl at the front desk about it, Lady Instructor came to check on me. i know i’m being way harder on myself than they were, because they weren’t hard on me at all. still, i was totally irritated with myself for not being able to make it. i realize that it’s been over a month since i’ve been to class, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.

like i said, i’m definitely not going to Mr. Beautiful’s class tomorrow night, so now i have to wait another month to be promoted. that’s the least of my concern, though.

in the locker room i ran into a woman i know who’s two levels ahead of me. she said that because my regular classes are light on cardio, it makes the other beginning classes seem way harder. she’s totally right. she also told me that the higher you advance, the tougher the classes are. wonderful.

to make things worse, i took out my frustration on Brian. he was going to hang out at Starbucks and meet me after my class. because i left early, and because i felt so shitty, i called him. he didn’t answer even though i called several times. i walked to Starbucks and he wasn’t there! i finally got in touch with him–he’d gone to a different (indie) coffee shop a block away because Starbucks was too crowded.

i lost it because i was cold from still being sweaty, confused because he wasn’t where he said he would be. i wanted to kick something really badly. he didn’t know what to say to make me feel better, but eventually i calmed down.

so now, i don’t know what to do. i don’t know what to think. at least i showed up, so maybe that’s something. also, i did get out yesterday morning–Brian and i went to a coffee shop. it was a beautiful day, too.