PHP and Me, Part 1

PHP is the acronym for partial hospitalization program, also called a day program. it’s for bipolars who aren’t depressed/manic enough to be in the hospital, but aren’t well enough to function in the “real world.” basically, it’s day camp for bipolars. you go anywhere from 2-5 days out of the work week from either 9am-noon or 9am-2pm. it depends on how stable you are at the time. oh, and how long a stay your insurance will cover.

my first (and only) experience with PHP took place last February at “Anonymous North Shore Hospital” in the northern suburbs. i was there for maybe 3 or 4 weeks and went Monday through Friday from 9am-2pm.

i’m a chronic late person except when i have a class to teach. this is attributable to a number of things: culture (Filipino time ;)), procrastination, apathy, and/or i don’t want to go there to begin with. maybe 2 or 3 days a week i’d show up about 15 minutes late. it wasn’t because i didn’t get up in time; i just have this tendency to lollygag and find all sorts of things i can accomplish around the apartment before i leave. i’m not proud of this, and it’s something i’m trying to change. teaching definitely helped.

anyway, near the end of my stay, the weather began to warm up. goodbye, gray skies and black slush! every spring quarter in college i’d end up dropping a course without fail. for me, spring = hypomania = lack of concentration + irresponsibility + who gives a shit, anyway, not me! w00t!

i couldn’t drop out of PHP, so there were a couple of times when, on my way to Anonymous North Shore Hospital, i’d end up taking the exit for the outdoor mall i passed on the way to shop and enjoy the weather. i felt good. it was beautiful out. who wanted to sit inside a hospital all day? not me!

i know i was supposed to be there longer than 3 or 4 weeks because i was clearly unstable. on the days i ran late, for example, i succumbed to minor road rage projected at the suburban moms in mini-vans (no offense) talking on their cells while driving under the speed limit in the left lane. move over! move OVER! *HONK, gives finger while passing* the therapists knew about this. i readily admitted it. what good is therapy if you lie to others and yourself? why bother?

imagine my surprise when the Head Therapist calls to tell me i’ve been kicked out–i mean, discharged–because of attendance and tardiness issues. um, hello? when i started PHP i said that those were some of the issues i wanted to improve. so i get kicked out for some of the very reasons i’m there to begin with? what the fuck?

and i was like, “so if i show up next week no your intake day, you’re going to decide that i’m too unstable to function in the ‘real world,’ and recommend that i undergo PHP.” he said i was welcome to go through another intake interview.

am i deluded here, in thinking there was something very wrong with that scenario? i mean, being bipolar and aware of it, i often end up second-guessing myself because i’m not always sure if i can trust my judgment.

fortunately, my therapist validated my gut feeling and said that Head Therapist never returned her calls, which she found strang. she said i shouldn’t be depressed about the situation, and if anything, i should be a little angry. actually, i was dumbfounded. and i can’t remember if i started laughing while i was still on the phone or after i hung up while talking to Head Therapist.

tomorrow: PHP and Me, Part 2