Cutting As Trendy???

NOTE: this entry was originally posted on Xanga, when bipolar bloggo (now part of bloggo chicago) was located there.

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here’s what i don’t get: cutters who are proud to be cutters. i was browsing the blogrings here and there are a bunch that extol cutting. what the fuck? people who are actually into cutting do it for attention or to be trendy. i mean, who in their right mind would want to deal with emotional pain/anxiety by doing this?i can’t remember when the last time i cut was, but it’s probably been at least 3 months. i couldn’t even bring myself to really do it. it felt like i was copping out of dealing with what was bothering me at the time.the scars are horrible and shameful, nothing to show off. in the past i’ve been lucky enough that my scars faded, but now there are some that don’t seem to be going away, and they’re on my forearm, so i can’t exactly hide it from people unless i wear long sleeves. that sucks big time in the summer.

on the days i go to my kali class where you don’t have to wear your gi, i wear a long-sleeved shirt underneath a T-shirt. one of the instructors told me that it isn’t anything to be ashamed of, and if anyone asks about it, i don’t have to answer to them. but still, it’s embarrassing.

once, one of my classmates did see the scars and gave me a quizzical look while smirking at the same time. he knew what they were. i just smiled and shrugged, and he nodded, seeming to understand. it was interesting–the whole exchange was unspoken.

huh. now i feel like going to class, which is an hour-and-a-half. but i insisted that Brian take the car today because he was running late. he said that he really wants me to go to class, but a few hours ago, i didn’t trust myself to go.

i could take the train if i wanted to, but that seems like too much of a hassle. plus it’s freezing out, though i don’t really know that because i haven’t been outside in days.

yeah, i’m really good at talking myself out of doing stuff. sometimes though, i’m able to rally at the last minute, get off my ass, and go do something. it’s like a burst of spontaneity, but the more time i have to think about it, the less likely i’ll do it. like right now.