What I Didn’t Do Today

i never did make it to the doctor’s office yesterday. i couldn’t even get myself to call and cancel, so Brian did it for me.

he also called my therapist, who’s supposed to call me back. i know i need to see her, but i just don’t know if i could keep my appointments. i haven’t seen her in about a month, which is bad, especially because i normally see her twice a week. and to think that the last time i saw her, i was considering cutting down to once a week.

never did make it to the post office, either, to ship my customer’s order. once again, Brian is doing this for me today.

i feel really guilty because he has to carry me on his shoulders for stupid stuff that’s like, no big deal. i mean, how hard is it to pick up the phone and make a damn phone call? it just is, and i hate that.

lately i’ve been wondering if i should be in the hospital, but i don’t feel like hurting myself or anything like that. well, i don’t feel like doing anything, really. anyway, what good would being there do? although it would get me back on track as far as having a structured day. but then, you never know who you’ll be stuck with for a roommate.

last time, my roommate was really cool. ironically, she lived in the same apartment building Lesley and i lived in in ‘97-’98. what a slum. but the girl was really cool.

the roommate 2 stays ago was fine because she didn’t utter a single word and kept to herself. except for once or twice when she wandered over to my side of the room and decided to help herself to something of mine–can’t remember what it was, so obviously it wasn’t a big deal. i just wasn’t expecting it.

i guess i’m doing all right then, as far as hospital stays go. those last couple of times were exactly a year ago and within 2 weeks of each other. how fucked up is that?

oh, and i was almost hospitalized a third time in February because i threw a handout at one of the therapists in the partial hospitalization program i was in at the time. well, he pissed me off. and that whole partial program experience is another story that i’ll write about because it was a complete joke.

anyway, i ended up not being sent to the psych ward because the social worker or whatever determined that i wasn’t a threat to myself, and besides, i’d already used up all my mental health hospital stays for the year. it turned out i was just hungry.