In My Absence…

some of you have expressed, both online and offline, your concern about my absence from the blogosphere. i can’t tell you how much i appreciate this. thank you!

so, you see, it’s like this…

some of you already know that i have bipolar disorder for which i’ve been treated regularly for 10 years. as with most people, i have my good and bad days. however, for the last 3 or 4 weeks, i’ve had depressive symptoms.

for me, that means i isolate–i don’t answer or return calls, even from my dad or my sister; i don’t answer most of my e-mail; i have trouble getting out of the apartment, even just to get the mail from the lobby (i haven’t opened mail in over a year); i haven’t been going to my martial arts classes; and obviously, i haven’t posted.

the only reason the quiz-a-day entries post regularly is because i have plenty of online quizzes/results scheduled to post ahead of time. it’s been a struggle just to send out the notification list each day and keep my Sideblog updated. i haven’t been able to keep up with my memes in all about me(mes); i haven’t written about any of this in my LiveJournal because that would make the depression more “real” if it’s written down. plus, i haven’t been able to concentrate and write anything remotely organized.

i know this isn’t good, but it’s so hard for me to communicate–that isn’t true. i just don’t want to talk to or see anybody. i’m totally unmotivated. i haven’t seen my therapist in almost a month, which is really bad–i haven’t even called her to schedule an appointment because i just don’t feel like it. the only reason i’ve made it to the doctor’s office is because Brian takes me. otherwise, i wouldn’t go there, either.

it doesn’t make sense, i know, but it’s like i don’t care about anything, even things i’m normally interested in, and just blow things off. it’s a lot like the “wake-and-bake” days in my early 20s when i spent most of the time stoned. anyone who’s ever “experimented” with pot knows how you become glued to the sofa and just can’t seem to get up. in fact, i even have the munchies. (rather, a few months ago i was diagnosed with binge eating disorder. wonderful. but that’s another story.) the only difference is, there’s nothing to laugh about.

another symptom for me is terrible insomnia, but that’s sort of an ongoing thing. these past few weeks though, i’ve gone to bed as late as 9:30am. you can almost track this by the post times in the Sideblog. the manic part of me loves to stay up, and that’s where things get complicated.

my depressive symptoms are atypical in that concurrently, i have one or 2 symptoms of mania, which makes the depression difficult to treat. if the doctor raises the dose of antidepressants i could go into a manic state, which i love. well, a hypomanic state, anyway. talk about increased productivity! improved self-esteem, self-confidence, and so on. that’s a lot like being on coke.

what’s so frustrating is that i have nothing to be depressed about–that’s how i know it’s depression and not sadness. sure, i have family, career, financial issues, but who doesn’t?

it’s even more frustrating to know what it’s like to feel “normal,” or baseline–to know that this isn’t my normal frame of mind and that nothing seems to be working to get me back there.

i haven’t worked in over a year because of this depression, which has lasted since September 2003–utterly ridiculous. there’s no way i’d be able to hold down a job right now, especially if it’s a blow-off job that doesn’t hold meaning for me. i’ve always had trouble sticking to a schedule imposed by others, even though i realize that my time needs to be structured. i do a lot better if i structure the time on my own, so i’m hoping to be able to teach one course this fall. the problem is, i’m no longer sure of myself because it’s been so long.

on a good note, i’ve finally been entering new inventory into my online LEGO shop, so hopefully that’ll drum up some business. i input just a few parts each day, but it’s something.

i read some, continue playing KotOR II–i’m telling you, it’s like being a stoner–reading comic books and playing video games all day. or a 12-year-old. i’m having trouble doing anything that requires a modicum of thinking.

anyway, i’ve been meaning to write this post, but like i said, it would mean that i’d have to face this stupid depression and i’d actually have to do some thinking to know what to say. but that’s probably a good thing.

the only changes my doctor has made is to add Ritalin for 2 weeks. it’s weird that they prescribe it to kids to calm them down, but with adults it has the opposite effect of providing more energy. well, we’ll see what happens.