My Reply to Abercrombie Chick’s Blog Entry: Is Race-Exclusive Dating Racist?

as promised, here’s the reply to the post immediately before this one, On Hot Abercrombie Chick’s Blog:  Is Race-Exclusive Dating Racist?  READ THAT FIRST!

click the link below to read my comments.

on a different note, if i haven’t replied to your comments on previous posts, i will soon.  i think i’m sick.  no, in fact i know i am but i’m in denial.

As someone previously mentioned, comparing these two situations is like comparing apples and oranges.  Most commentators (including myself) agree that dating is based on attraction; however, hiring is not.

There are no definitive answers to the question orginally addressed here–that of dating someone of a particular race exclusively.  Is it "racist" to prefer blondes over brunettes?  Or as someone else pointed out, preferring to date someone of the same religion (although the example of Judaism is a bit slippery because not all Jews are of Jewish descent; hence, the term "secular Jew")?  Further, what about those whose parents insist they date only within their own race, whether or not the children agree?

I distinctly remember my own parents telling friends of theirs that they would make sure I marry another Filipino.  Although I was only 7 at the time and didn’t fully understand the implications, I internalized it and made the conscious decision–at the age of 7–to prove them wrong.  Consequently, when I was old enough to date, I refused to consider dating another Filipino and convinced myself that I had nothing in common with most of the Filipinos/Filipino Americans–male or female–that I knew.  This, to some degree, is true as I’ve often felt marginalized within my own ethnic community.  I don’t participate and disagree with some aspects of Filipino culture, but that’s getting into another topic.

Not only is the choice one makes in whom to date based on attraction, it is also based on beliefs that have been instilled upon people by their families.  The following example is contradictory I know, but nonetheless true:  I was raised a Catholic.  I don’t go to church.  I don’t believe in God.  However, it was important to me to marry another Catholic because the beliefs instilled in us would be similar and we could disagree with the Church’s tenets together. However, my husband is not Catholic.  I admit that this bothered me when we began dating, but my attraction overcame this–my attraction to his personality that is, though his looks certainly helped.

Yet another factor in choosing whom to date is, as another commentator pointed out, based on one’s experience and exposure to a particular group in general that one previously thought was different from one’s self, even if that group happens to share your ethnicity.   Several months ago, I met a Filipino-American man with whom I have things in common, and to whom I was physically attracted.  I wondered if perhaps I should have opened myself (something I began to do only a few years ago, having attempted to completely remove myself prior) to the Filipino community because surely there would be those who shared my beliefs, values, etc., and men, like this one, whom I would find attractive.   Further, he could relate to what it was like growing up in an immigrant family of the same ethnicity and would understand the dynamics between various relationships within our families (again, that’s another topic);  whereas, my  husband cannot, though this isn’t to say he isn’t trying.

Aside from physical attraction, beliefs play a large role in whom one chooses to date.  Of course, some of these values may, in fact, be racist.  I’ll bring up one more factor, then I’ll stop.

My husband and I, though both American, couldn’t have led more different lives growing up.  He’s from a rural town in Iowa; I grew up in Chicago.  Again, this brought up questions for me as to whether or not we would be compatible, but even more importantly, his reasons for choosing me.

Because my husband is white and had met very few (you can count the number on one hand) non-whites until he went to college, I was concerned that he was dating me simply because I’m different.  Of course he was exposed to other races on television, and that could have been the basis for prejudice, or preference to what someone in his circumstances could perceive as "exotic."  This leads to the notion of "otherness," which stems from objectifying people different from one’s self.  This, however, can go both ways:  maybe I had never dated a caucasian and when I met my husband, decided to try it because it was different.

This difference is based on social constructs:  many Filipinos believe that "American," i.e., white, is better–the best–and this belief was borne from colonialism, but again, that’s venturing into another topic.  On the other hand, many Americans believe that Asian women make the best partners because they’re submissive.  Certainly there are more examples.  In any case, are either of these true?  Of course not.

Simply put, there are no simple answers as to whether or not dating someone exclusively from one’s own race or from a race different from one’s own can be construed as racist.  Many more issues come into play.  However, not everyone who dates this way is aware of the reasons governing their choices.