Bank One-One is a Joke in This Town

Bank One mini-branches are hatching all over the city like mosquitos. I’ve always preferred them to the other banks around here because I don’t have to memorize where their ATMs are. All I have to do is look for a Walgreens, and there are plenty of those around.

I’ve banked there since it was First Chicago–maybe 12 years? I had the same account for six or seven of those years, and way back then I had a habit of bouncing checks. However, I’ve become fiscally responsible–not secure–responsible. And yet, in all that time, and after all those thousands of dollars that I bounced, they were patient and I finally got caught up on my balance.

So imagine my surprise when in March I got a letter in the mail informing me that they were going to close Brian’s and my checking account. This came out of nowhere. All it said was we had X amount of time to withdraw the balance or they’d close it and send us a check. WTF?

I called Brian immediately. Unknown to me, he sent them a “contact us” e-mail. We were charged for an overdraft because we miscalculated our balance or something, and he was outraged about the fees. I already knew that they take your first-born, so I didn’t know what the big deal was, as long as we were careful. Besides, we don’t have kids.

Well, he told Bank One exactly what he thought of them. Something along the lines of “you fucking suck.” In those exact words.

I was angry at first, then I laughed because it was, well, funny. But I didn’t think they could close our bank account just for that. I mean, don’t they want to know what customers think? The least they could have done was give us a free toaster or something. Hell, even a pen would have been nice.

Can they do that for me? Apparently not.